HOOKED ON COCALAND
st. mj's guide to paradise for lost
gringos
Detailed
Table of Contents
with links to
chapters and sub-sections
The
mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell
of Heaven.
John
Milton,
lines
254-55
A. Title page
B. Frontispiece
C. Outline
D. Detailed table of
contents
E. Sammy’s
introduction: How
to read a saint’s guide to paradise
F. Brief additional note:
To reader from editors
G.
Note from B. C. Duvall: How to read this
kind of writing
H. Dr. Lorenzo’s journal (minimally
edited) from his first trip to
st. mj’s guide to paradise
for lost gringos book
one:
La
finding dealers who deal
paradise
Monday, 10/3/94
1. ARRIVE CALM AND
BIGHEARTED AS A SAINT, IN THE LAND WHOSE DRUG HELPED BRING
DOWN YOUR SON AND YOUR NATION – AND YOU, YOU
FOOL, DID YOU FORGET AGAIN?
AIN?
2. IT’S BEST TO HAVE
PREVIOUSLY SELECTED A HOST FAMILY, WELL IN ADVANCE, YEARS,
PREFERABLY. THEN
WARN THEM VIA A FRIENDLY FAMILY MEMBER ABOUT YOUR STRANGE
WAYS. GIVE THEM
TIME TO ADAPT, THEY NEED ALL THEY CAN GET, GOD KNOWS, YOUR
WAYS ARE SO STRANGE.
3. ONCE IN COCALAND,
NEVER SHOW SINCERE SHOCK OR SURPRISE. EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T
UNDERSTAND ANYTHING BEING SAID, JUST KEEP RESPONDING,
CONSTANTLY, BY SHOUTING 'CLARO!'
4. DON’T COMPARE COCALAND
TOILETS WITH MEXICAN.
5. HOW TO USE A COCALAND
BATHROOM IN FIVE WAYS AT ONCE, SHOWER, SHAVE, SHAMPOO, SHxx,
AND, ABOVE ALL, SHY AWAY.
6. WHAT TO DO IF: YOUR HOSTS WON'T STOP
PESTERING YOU.
7. WHAT TO DO IF: YOU CAN'T REMEMBER THE
SPANISH FOR BROTHER-IN-LAW, AND DON'T WANT AN INTERNATIONAL
INCIDENT.
8. RELAX. MAKE MADHOUSE YOUR
PERSONAL HEALING WORKSHOP.
9. WHAT TO DO IF: YOU MEET A SWEET AND
MILD FATHERLESS BOY NAMED JESUS, AS YOU CERTAINLY WILL IF YOU
TRAVEL PROPERLY, THERE ARE SO MANY IN COCALAND.
10. EVEN SPANISH
SEA-CAPTAINS DEAD 250 YEARS CAN TEACH YOU A LESSON.
11. WHAT TO DO IF: YOU THINK YOU ARE ON
THE WAGON AND THEY HAVE TO GO AND TOAST YOU WITH EXTREMELY
SPECIAL, COLD ITALIAN WHITE WINE.
12. SEE PAST BEE-ESS TO
ULTIMATE TRUTH. DO
THIS EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME.
13. GET THESE BASICS DOWN.
MONDONGO ISN'T MENUDO. COCALAND ISN'T
14. WHEN THEY FINALLY STOP
PESTERING YOU, SIT DOWN AND START A JOURNAL, A STORY-GUIDE TO
PARADISE, A SAINT'S CONFESSION HOW
15. WHEN THIRD-WORLD
BANANA-REPUBLIC ARMED FORCES OFFER TO BE YOUR OVERNIGHT BANK,
REMEMBER… BE POLITE.
16. YOU'RE NOT
PARANOID. THEY
REALLY ARE TRYING TO STEAL YOUR PASSPORT.
17. BLEND IN AT THE FLEA
MARKET. LIKE A PILLAR NOT A PILE DRIVER!
18. DETECTING GRACEFULLY
THEN SHAKING OFF COCALAND MAFIOSI.
19. DETAILED GUIDELINES
FOR TOURING AN OVERPOPULATED MUD BARRIO AFTER DARK. DISCREETLY. IN
20. SUDDENLY IT HITS YOU
THAT RIGHT HERE IN YOUR OWN HOST'S FAMILY, LAND SAKES, THERE’S
ACTUALLY RAMPANT RACIAL MIXING. WHAT THE FLIP IS UP
WITH THAT? YOUR
HOST NEVER EVEN MENTIONED IT!
21. PARTY LIKE A
COCALANDER. SHARE
AN AGUARDIENTE CUP WITHOUT GETTING MORE HIV THAN YOU GIVE.
22. ALWAYS ACCEPT CHICKEN
AND RICE FROM STARVING SISTERS.
23. SAVE PARANOID
QUESTIONS FOR YOUR HOST IN PRIVATE.
24. SHOW NO SURPRISE WHEN
YOU MEET AN EDUCATED WORLD-TRAVELED MULTILINGUAL DARK-SKINNED
MAN IN A GODFORSAKEN RAMSHACKLE COCALAND BARRIO, AS YOU ARE
BOUND TO, IF YOU TOUR COCALAND PROPERLY.
25. WHEN YOU START LIKING
THE NATIVES AND WANT TO TAKE ONE HOME TO
26. GETTING THE WHOLE
FAMILY HOME AT 2AM, EVEN TWO LITTLE GIRLS SO TIRED THEY HAVE
TO BE CARRIED, FROM THE LOW-RENTEST MOST OUTLYINGEST BARRIO ON
THE PLANET, TO THEIR DIGS THREE MILES AWAY, WITH NO CAR AND NO
MONEY.
27. BRIEF, NOT TASTELESS
DESCRIPTION OF HOW TO SLEEP IN A TINY ROOM TOO HOT FOR PJ’S,
HORNIER THAN AN ELK IN RUT, WITH TWO LITTLE GIRLS A FOOT AWAY
IN THE OTHER TWIN BED.
28. WHEN THEY ASK YOU TO
TAKE THEIR WORST MISBEHAVING BOY HOME WITH YOU TO THE STATES,
AS THEY VERY WELL MAY, SINCE ANY COCALAND FAMILY MAY HAVE AT
LEAST ONE, THINK THE OFFER THROUGH SIMPLY AND QUIETLY, WITHOUT
OVERREACTION.
29. IF YOU CAN'T FIGURE
OUT FAMILY CONNECTIONS, GO AHEAD AND IMAGINE THEM. JUST KEEP IT TO
YOURSELF.
30. ONE OF YOUR HOSTS
HATES THE WORLD AND YOU SYMPATHIZE. WHAT NOW?
31. HOW MUCH OF COCALAND
MUST YOU SEE TO KNOW HOW TO STOP THIRD WORLD OVERPOPULATION
BOOM? ONE DAY’S
WORTH.
st. mj’s guide to paradise
for lost gringos book
two:
Santisima Cruz Divina:
paradise found and lost
32. YES. GO AHEAD. WHY NOT LET YOURSELF
GO? WHY NOT PAY A
STREET URCHIN TO BE YOUR COCALAND TOUR GUIDE?
33. NOW SLOW THINGS DOWN
AGAIN. TRY
COCALAND BAYOU COUNTRY.
34. IT’S OK. WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT
THEIR
35. HOW TO TELL A LITTLE
STREET URCHIN GUIDE YOU LIKE HIS EYES, WITHOUT GETTING YOURS
BLACKENED.
36. WHAT THE SMALL TOWN
PAPER WOULD SAY ABOUT YOU, IF THERE WERE ONE.
37. GRINGO STRUGGLE FOR
SURVIVAL IN A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY: REMEMBER, THERE’S
ALWAYS PILLS.
38. KEEPING A
39.
HOW TO MAKE SENSE
OF A STORY THAT DOESN'T.
40. MOSQUITOES AND SAINTS
IN GLOWING WHITE. TWILIGHT
IN SANTISIMA CRUZ.
41. ENJOYING QUIET MOMENTS
FOR PAINFUL REFLECTION.
42. IT MAY HELP TO COME
OUT OF YOUR GRINGO SHELL A LITTLE HARD-BOILED, IN COCALAND.
43. WHAT THE HECK DO YOU
DO WHEN YOU LAND FEET FIRST IN A REAL
44. SIMPLE RULES FOR
GETTING TO THE BATHROOM IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT – IN
45. STUDY SIMPLICITY AND
ASK: WHICH SIMPLE
KID MIGHT SAVE YOU FROM YOUR COMPLICATED MISERABLE GRINGO
EXISTENCE?
46.
MAYBE THE TEENAGE
BARBER-FISHERMAN.
47. MAYBE THE ONE WITH
THIRTY-THREE SIBLINGS.
48. OR HOW ABOUT TEENAGE
GARCÍA MÁRQUEZ, WHO SLEPT HERE TOO.
49. IN COCALAND A TOUR OF ALMOST ANYTHING MIGHT
UNCOVER A WONDER OR TWO.
50. SOMETIMES A DUMB
GRINGO LOST IN COCALAND KNOWS MORE THAN HIS HOST ABOUT HIS
HOST’S COUNTRY. IT’S
OK.
51. DON'T GET PARANOID IN
PARADISE, JUST BECAUSE YOU KEEP GETTING PARANOID IN
52. AS RARE AND MAGICAL AS
A
53. RELAX AND ENJOY
YOURSELF. LET
YOUR MIND GO. ASSUME
THINGS ABOUT YOUR HOSTS FROM ANYTHING YOU SEE, EVEN THE WAY
THEY PILE BRICKS IN THEIR ESTUFA.
54. PIGLETS AND BIBLE
READERS. WHAT?
55. GO AHEAD. FALL IN LOVE WITH
56. FRIENDS OF YOUR HOSTS
HAVE DANGEROUS POLITICAL CONNECTIONS, YOU SAY? WHO CARES? RELAX. ENJOY YOUR STAY IN
57. YOU'LL STILL SEE ALL
YOUR BOOZIN’ PALS MONDAY MORNING, ONE BY ONE. WHAT’S SO BAD ABOUT
THAT?
58. SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU HIDE TOO LONG IN A SHELL? YOU
HATCH AT A TIME AND PLACE THAT’S ABSOLUTELY MIND-BLOWING.
59. OKAY. PICTURE THIS: YOU AND A THOUSAND
PARTYING TROPICAL TEENS AND TOWNSFOLK. THE CROWD IS
INFILTRATED BY CAMOUFLAGED, ARMED GUERRILLAS ON THE ONE HAND,
AND UNIFORMED GOVERNMENT SOLDIERS WITH AUTOMATIC RIFLES ON THE
OTHER. MID-PARTY,
ELECTRICITY FAILS. LIGHTS
GO OUT. BLIND AS
A BAT IN PURGATORY, LOST IN AN ARMED MOB IN COCALAND, WHAT DO
YOU DO NOW, O SEEKER OF
60. FIND REASSURANCE IN
THE YOUNG BARBER-FISHERMAN.
61. ALWAYS DODGE POLITICAL
INTERROGATION. DO
IT WITH IMAGINATION AND SHARP KNOWLEDGE OF COCALAND HISTORY. USE DIPLOMACY,
FLATTERY, QUOTATIONS OF COCALAND NOBEL LAUREATES IN
LITERATURE, CHANGES OF SUBJECT, AND PUTDOWNS OF GRINGOLAND AND
THE ENTIRE WORLD. PUT
DOWN YOUR INTERROGATOR IF YOU MUST, TO GET HIM OFF YOUR
POLITICAL TAIL. IF
ALL THIS FAILS, THEN BARE YOUR HEART UNTIL YOU FEEL SO
VULNERABLE YOU GO PLUMB SCHIZOPHRENIC MUTE, TO THE BETTERMENT
OF ALL.
62. DETAILED STEP-BY-STEP
INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY BY JUMPING TO
BASELESS AND POLITICALLY INSENSITIVE CONCLUSIONS ABOUT YOUR
ASSIGNED YOUNG POLITICAL INTERROGATOR.
64. RECEIVE UNIVERSAL LOVE
AND ALL UNMERITED GRACE WITH POISE, AS ANY SAINT WOULD IN
65. HOW TO MILK FOR ALL
IT’S WORTH, ONE OF THE BIGGEST, BEST, HOLIEST, MOST
SOUL-SAVING RITUAL DRUNKEN BACCHANALS OF ALL HISTORY.
66. REFLECT CAREFULLY. THEN SEE FIT TO
DISMISS PARANOIA ONCE AND FOR ALL AS A DISTINCT NUISANCE IN
67. HONOR A SAINT'S
68. WHEN SAYING GOOD-BYE
TO PARADISE AND ITS PERMANENT RESIDENTS, DON'T GO ON ABOUT
CASTLES AND DE-BOMB UNITS IN
69. IF THE GOOD-BYE FEELS APOCALYPTIC, IT
IS APOCALYPTIC. FOR
YOU!
70. WHEN IT’S ALL OVER,
PONDER
71. PONDER DARK MOMENTS
AND LIGHT.
72. LET THE MIND STRAY.
73. THEN THINK OF JUST ONE
GOOD THING ABOUT YOURSELF.
74. AND THINK OF THE VAST,
PEOPLED PARADISAL COUNTRYSIDE ABOUT YOU.
75. AND OF HOW THE LOCALS
LOOK AT YOU, AND WHAT IT MEANS.
76. AND HOW THEY STUDY
SURVIVAL MORE THAN YOU DO, AND GRASP LIFE BETTER, NOT LETTING
IT ‘FREAK THEM OUT’.
77. SLEEP, DREAMING OF THE
LITTLE STREET URCHIN GUIDE YOU HOPE TO SEE TOMORROW.
st. mj lorenzo survives the Spanish inquisition
in Old Town Cartagena,
October 1994
at the Palace of
the Inquisitor built between 1610 and 1776
Cartagena Amable:
back in the city again
craving a paradise fix
I.
Tuesday, 10/11/94.
78. OK. SO YOU GOT YOURSELF
HOOKED ON THE BEST THING IN COCALAND. YOU WANT MORE. YOU NEED A FIX. NOW WHAT?
79. YOUR NEW ADDICTION IS
GETTING THE UPPER HAND. YOU’RE
LOSING CONTROL. TAKE
YOUR MIND OFF FINDING YOUR NEXT
80. REMEMBER, YOU’RE
TRYING TO STOP THINKING ABOUT FINDING YOUR NEXT
81. SO ANYWAY, IF YOU GO
FOR ANOTHER
82. AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE
EXTREMELY DELICATE SUBJECTS YOU HATE? DEALING WITH BIG
EXTENDED COCALAND FAMILY MEANS DEALING WITH ALL THAT AGAIN. EVERY TIME YOU WANT
ANOTHER
83. PERMIT YOURSELF TO
MAKE MULTIPLE OUTRAGEOUS GRANDIOSE CLAIMS, DISMISSING
REASONABLE WORRY AGAIN AND AGAIN.
84. SEE NOTHING BUT GOOD
IN PACKED LIVING CONDITIONS. IN
SHORT, IDEALIZE AND ROMANTICIZE COCALAND AS MUCH AS YOU CAN AS
LONG AS YOU CAN. THE
TRUTH WILL HIT SOON ENOUGH.
85. CALMLY REASSURE
EVERYONE THAT DESPITE A PASSIONATE INTEREST IN COCALAND YOUTH,
YOU ARE NOT
GAY.
86. DREAM YOU’LL SAVE THE
PLANET. IT’LL
GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR.
BUT FOR NOW, YOU CAN’T BE EVERYTHING TO EVERYBODY, SO
BE YOURSELF.
87. STAVE OFF DEATH. INDULGE OBSESSION WITH
THIRD WORLD YOUTH IN ANY FORM.
88. PREPARE TO MEET YOUR LITTLE STREET URCHIN GUIDE
AND NEMESIS; FIGHT NERVOUSNESS.
MEDITATE ON ORDINARY THINGS AROUND YOU.
89. ACT INTERESTED IN YOUR
HOST’S PHOTOS, THOUGH YOU DROP WITH WEARINESS.
90. DON'T BE SHY. THE
WORLD NEEDS YOU AND YOUR STREET URCHIN GUIDE.
91. HOW TO LOVE THE
92. GO AHEAD. LET THEM TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF YOUR GOOD MOOD. IT
ONLY COSTS YOU PENNIES.
93. A FEW BEER-Y THOUGHTS,
RELEVANCE UNDETERMINED.
94.
OFFER A HAND, AS ONE WAS OFFERED YOU.
st. mj’s guide to paradise
for lost gringos book four:
Here and Home:
good riddance paradise
forever
I.
Friday, 10/14/94.
95. SEPARATION WITH
EQUANIMITY. A
MODEL.
96. NEVER LOSE YOUR SENSE
OF HUMOR, EVER, NO MATTER WHAT IN COCALAND.
97. THE VERY LAST COCALAND
FIX SHOULD BE ENLIGHTENING, IF NOT PAINLESS.
98.
LIFE ISN'T OVER,
JUST BECAUSE YOU
THINK IT IS.
II.
Saturday, 10/15/94.
99. CHANGE THINGS FOREVER. VISIT A BORDELO WITH YOUR
LITTLE STREET URCHIN GUIDE, ONE LAST TIME.
100. GIFTS FROM THE HEART
CAN’T BE MEASURED, OR COMPARED. LIGHTEN UP.
101. HOW TO TAKE THE WHOLE
FAMILY OUT TO DINNER, COCALAND STYLE: NO CAR, NO MONEY.
102.
103. HOW TO PICK THE
104.
TO BE OR NOT TO
BE: HOOKED ON
COCALAND.
105. WHEN IT'S TIME TO
LEAVE, KEEP IT SIMPLE. SAY
GOOD-BYE AND THANK YOU. SIMPLE
PEOPLE HANDLE SIMPLE THINGS MORE SIMPLY THAN LESS SIMPLE
PEOPLE.
106. DON'T EVEN APPEAR TO
BRAG ABOUT THE SIZE OF YOUR COUNTRY. ALL OVER THE WORLD
THEY KNOW IT’S TOO BIG FOR ITS BRITCHES.
107. QUIT COMPLAINING ABOUT
WHAT YOU HAVE, AND BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU DON'T.
108. NEVER SEND EMISSARIES.
TALK TO YOUR
HOSTS. AFTER TWO
WEEKS IN THEIR COUNTRY, YOU WELL MAY KNOW BETTER THAN THEY,
HOW LONG IT TAKES TO THE AIRPORT.
109.
SOMETIMES IT'S
EASIER TO FART THAN TO CRY.
110. ON THE FLIGHT HOME,
LIST IN YOUR JOURNAL THE RISKS YOU TOOK GETTING HOOKED ON
COCALAND.
111. YOU SEE, YOU SURVIVED
HUNDREDS OF DANGERS. YOU
MUST BE CLEVER AND WORTH PRESERVING AFTER ALL.
st. mj’s guide to paradise
for lost gringos book
five:
Gringoland:
washing paradise out
of every last cell and
synapse
112. DON’T BURN YOUR TRIP
JOURNAL. YOUR
SHAMAN/SHRINK/FRIEND/EDITOR/APOLOGIST WANTS IT.
113. THE BEAUTY QUEEN'S ASS
AND OTHER SANTISIMA CRUZ TAILS.
114. WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE
STREET URCHIN.
115.
ONE LAST MOOCH,
& HOW TO HANDLE IT.
116. WELCOME HOME, TO THE
WORLD THAT MADE YOU WORLD-WEARY.
117.
LOST IN
GRINGOLAND.
118. THE MORE YOU FORSWEAR
IT, THE MORE YOU CRAVE COCALAND.
119. OK YOU’RE A MUSH-MALLOW FOR COCALAND. IT’S OK. YOU'VE GOT HEART AFTER
ALL.
120. LET NOT YOUR HEART BE
DRIED OUT, LIKE A CHICKEN HEART LEFT ON THE KITCHEN SINK.
121. IF YOUR HEART DOES DRY
OUT, KNOW WHAT CAN GIVE IT LIFE AGAIN.
122. KNOW YOUR HEALING
THIRD-WORLD COUNTRY AND ITS POLITICS. WELL. OR ELSE.
123. WEIGH THE RISKS OF
RETURNING TO SUCH A COUNTRY.
CHECK INSIDE SOURCES.
GET RIGHTEOUSLY ANGRY IF YOU HAVE TO, TO SORT IT OUT.
124. WEIGH THE WORST
DANGERS FOR AT LEAST A WEEK, AGAINST POTENTIAL BENEFITS. THEN MAKE THE ONLY
SENSIBLE DECISION, FOR SOMEONE HOOKED ON COCALAND.
125. WEIGH IT AGAIN, GIVEN
TODAY’S NEWS.
I.
Appendix A: Glossary of Spanish (and
other) terms
J.
Appendix B: Bibliography
K. Appendix C: On the grave
matter of ‘psychic epidemics’ or ‘mass psychoses’,
and:
On the Dr.'s 're-finding
his faith'
L. Appendix D: Afterthoughts
1. Sammy on ‘fiction’ vs ‘true
historical reality’
2. Sammy on Sammy as the Biblical
Samuel
3. Additional thoughts
on the parallel between
the Biblical Samuel and Sammy Martinez
4. What’s happening
with Dr. Lorenzo 'now',
in 2016
5. Sammy answering reading club questions
about shamanism
6. Sammy's editorial
board assesses the
impact of Jung's 'opposites' on mj lorenzo
7. 'Praise is
becoming to the upright', or, The oeuvre
overall (The
Dr.'s already legendary explanation for adding 3 Bible
verses to the home page of this website)
M.
Appendix E: Image
Index page 1; page 2
N.
The End: the last
page, with images, postscript, and scholium
Robbie (white cap) and entire Cartagena branch of his family at Cartagena airport
on the day of his return flight
to New York with mj 10/15/94
