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HOOKED ON COCALAND

 st. mj’s guide to paradise for lost gringos

 

book two:

 

Santisima Cruz Divina:


paradise found and lost

(concl.)

 

  priest points out a passage in
              open Bible for leftist Colombian rebel

1/7/99 - priest and leftist rebel read the Bible

during the start of peace talks in San Vicente del Caguán

between Colombian government and FARC guerrilla rebels

(photo and this explanation: New York Times - 1/8/99)

 

monday, 10/10/94.

 

54.  PIGLETS AND BIBLE READERS.  WHAT?  PARADISE ISN'T PERFECT?

 

7 AM.  here's how the week begins in Santisima Cruz.

 

in my hammock, i’m awakened by a piglet shrieking furiously in the camino a few feet from my head. fifteen unbearable minutes without letup, just an aerated brick wall between it and me. then finally a man's voice, as if mad at the animal. no other sounds. no local hero rushes in, as he should, to scold the man for tormenting a helpless piglet. animals are supposed to suffer in paradise, apparently. everyone accepts it but me.

 

finally torture stops. several neighbors talk at once outside, six feet from my hanging bed.

 

what in the world are they doing?

 

they’re messing with paradise.

 

i can't go out. the sala is dark. the house is closed. finally the front door creaks open and Yazmín's voice is heard. the shrieking resumes. i get up, pull on dirty shorts and yesterday's t-shirt and hurry out on the narrow porch.

 

sow feeding piglets on main walkway
              of Santisima Cruz, small child pulling one piglet's tail 

a sow nurses piglets on the main thoroughfare (camino)

by the tree-lined canal in Robbie’s mother’s barrio (neighborhood)

called “Los Almendros” (“The Almond Trees”) in Santisima Cruz

(while a small child pulls one piglet’s tail)

 

two men kneel in front of the neighbor house to the right, holding a struggling, screaming ten-inch piglet on the ground while one cuts a hole in its nose with a paring knife and inserts a wire. the protest is nerve-gratingly ferocious, and pathetic, unlike anything heard in most neighborhoods in the United States first thing Monday morning. not auspicious for the week to come. disgusted, i walk through the house to the back.

 

out in the back ‘patio’, which is the back yard, beyond the patio’s outdoor ‘kitchen’ area, the outdoor baño sits unoccupied. it's my chance to empty a bladder overfull from the night. grabbing the chance, i run inside for towel and toothbrush and return to the baño to wash and shower. Angel's in there now, they say.

 

i return to the narrow concrete front porch to write, waiting for the baño.

 

the camino is calm. pig sadists are gone. paradise is perfect once more, at least for now.

 

the peppy old white-haired man who several days ago got his hair cut next door, to the left, is sitting on one of the ubiquitous costeño straight back chairs they cover in raw cowhide, seat and back. in river country men sit leaning back on two legs against tree or wall, hoping for a less straight-backed experience. women sit in them too, but rarely lean back.

 

the peppy old man, his chair leaning back, reads to a man from the generation below, in prophetic tones. the earth is cursed, he says.

 

i tend to agree, after what i’ve just seen.

 

it's the same fat book as three days ago, when i first sat down here and noticed him.

 

Yazmín appears and dumps seven sticks in the canal. she confirms it's the Bible he's reading aloud.

 

he reads as i write, aloud at times while the middle-aged man sitting on the concrete canal wall comments. they talk. the old one laughs, probably at the irredeemable nature of life on earth, maybe even here in paradise.

 

Omar rides up in a saddle, dismounts, ties his horse to the almond tree and enters the door.

 

the old man goes on, shouting "Aleluia, aleluia, gloria a Dios,"[1] then returns to his spot on the page, in a tone as if the world were ending.

 

he can only be reading one thing, sammy, the last book of the Bible, Revelation.[2]

 

every day for two thousand years, somewhere in the Christian ecumene, some would-be saint has expected the end of the world any moment, any day now, all because two thousand years ago a man named John who may have been Jesus’ disciple (and who they decided later must have been a ‘saint’), had an apocalyptic vision called the ‘Book of Revelation’. every single day for two thousand years, until today, these predictors of doomsday have been wrong; a statistic which argues that they'll probably be wrong every single day into the indefinite future.

 

which means, i might be wrong, i suppose, predicting the end of the civilized world as we know it.

 

little boys in blue school-uniform shirts walk down-canal to the right, hand-woven book bags on long shoulder cords bouncing colorfully. a large family of fifteen to twenty bottles floats by on the canal in disorganized array.

 

the Bible reader is back at it. his one-man congregation jumps into the flowing water. he comments, splashing about, avoiding the family of bottles, agreeing with the old man's jovial insights into “Revelation.”

 

for some reason they think it's funny the world's ending, sammy.

 

Robbie comes out and says they put rings in pigs' noses to keep them from digging up earth.

 

i don't understand. then i remember pigs root or rut, or something, with snouts, in the dirt. i'm relieved that neighbors in paradise don't poke holes in pigs for sport.

 

sunny walkway along Santisima
              Cruz canal with piglets and Boca Negra 

“neighbors in paradise don’t poke holes in pigs for sport”

(camino and canal, Boca Negra and neighborhood piglets

in Santisima Cruz)

 

another regular member of the men's bench life arrives. all three men agree on things in Revelation in general. the world's going to the dogs. this town's next, they say.

 

the one-man congregation bather goes in the door on my right, black shorts drooping and sticking.

 

canal church is over and i’m still confused, sammy. is paradise perfect or not?

 

 

 

 

 

55.  GO AHEAD.  FALL IN LOVE WITH PARADISE.  WHEN IT’S OVER, YOU CAN JUST CRY AND BE DONE WITH IT.  RIGHT?  DON’T YOU THINK?

 

i tell Robbie i stayed at the party till ten last night.

 

i got home sober, for once, after spending Sunday evening at the side of Gustavo, younger brother of the kid with thirty-three siblings. it was Gustavo's twentieth birthday, so he had first dibs on the U.S. guest. he owned me, in a most friendly and grown-up way, except when Hernando arrived and stole my attention.

 

i gave Gustavo an American dollar bill and 800 pesos in small bills as a birthday present.

 

Robbie says no one gives birthday presents in Santisima Cruz.

 

it wasn't planned as a birthday present. it only became one when, in the course of his string of questions about things peculiar and far away in the U.S., Gustavo asked how much a dollar was worth, and pulled one out of his pocket.

 

800 pesos, i said.

 

it took a while to translate what followed, and to figure out he wanted me to change it for him since, as he said, in Santisima Cruz a dollar bill to him was just a piece of paper.

 

he wasn't awed by the great U.S.A. or its dollars, apparently.

 

i gave him the 800 pesos, then Ibrahim came by and i showed him the dollar and pulled out another dollar besides.

 

Ibrahim, Gustavo's older brother, is my favorite, sammy, since the night before when he led me drunk and wavering over the footbridge above the caño. actually he’s my favorite since Saturday morning, when he saved me from terminal world-weariness by talking to me. so i gave him one of the two dollars, then gave the other back to Gustavo, saying it was his birthday present. he tried to give back the 800 pesos and i insisted he keep them.

 

Gustavo and his
              fiancée, plus the Dr. 

Gustavo “wasn’t awed by the great USA or its dollars, apparently”

Gustavo and the Dr.

 

imagine a tropical garden, sammy. it’s full of blossoms, and fruit and nuts on trees everywhere, a garden like Eden except that the first parents produced offspring and the offspring produced more, and no one ever fell from grace over time as they did in Eden. now friendly children and young people cavort everywhere. you happen upon the place with a friend, who grew up there. you are a guest from a very different world where everyone including yourself has fallen from grace. you are imperfect compared with the citizens of paradise. you don't even know how to talk to people in paradise properly.

 

this Eden is one big happy family, perfect and sinless, incomprehensible to fallen guests. even simple matters the host must explain constantly, like who belongs to which branch of what family, and who lives where. Robbie has been doing this since we arrived. finally during the day yesterday i got it straight that Ibrahim, the handsome kid with the mustache and thirty-three siblings, who i had thought lived next door with the teenage barber-fisherman, actually lived a half-block further in that direction. Gustavo was his younger full brother and lived down there too.

 

Gustavo i like a lot, sammy, for his plain straightforward decency. but Ibrahim is my favorite because he goes around the neighborhood like he owns it, in a constant state of intoxicated glee. it shows in his face and mushes up his bass speech so he sounds drunk on life.[3]

 

the really big party wasn't last night though. it was the night before, when Ibrahim held his liquor and i did not. that Saturday night party was a newsworthy event in paradise. for twenty-four hours my brain has played and replayed it, wondering what it did to me and how.

 

the occasion was the selection and crowning of Miss Santisima Cruz at the town's enclosed party field, ‘la caseta’.

 

with what little heart i have, sammy, i miss this town already. i miss Gustavo, who just walked by on his way to high school; or prep school, maybe. he said hello simply and kept going. i miss his brother, Ibrahim, who came up on a little kid's diminutive dirt bike just now, and went in the house.

 

now he and Robbie come out of the house and invite me to take a horseback ride to the countryside town where Ibrahim teaches math and other subjects to fifteen-year-old campesino kids. i agree to go, then remember i'm supposed to wait here and meet Hernando to buy vallenato cassettes.

 

at the moment my eyes are actually wet, thinking about leaving, sammy. i’m disgusted with myself. i hear myself tell Robbie i want the rest of the week here – no, the rest of my life. whichever is longer! how can i, the grouch, be saying this? especially when we're scheduled to leave tomorrow morning. somebody has a commitment in Cartagena. somebody's schedule is deciding my future. the whole town knows we're leaving.

 

i imagine a talk with Robbie where he scolds me for showing an interest in Hernando, a youth who is slightly outside Robbie's intimate circle of friends and thus a bit of an unknown. i'm not sure how Ibrahim even became a part of Robbie's intimate circle, since Robbie has been gone from town eighteen years. Ibrahim was only five when Robbie left at fifteen. Gustavo was only two. how could they be such good friends? it makes no sense.

 

Ibrahim passes again, and i say hello. he continues without stopping and i find myself crying – literally – at the thought of leaving this spot.
 

what is going on?  maybe it happens when you're about to kick the bucket. you go from scrooge to mush and back, constantly. i’ve been hiding out in scrooge all this time, or something, just to avoid mush.

 

ibrahim bikes by in the other direction now, and i invite him to take the horseback ride at once. we could get back before Hernando gets out of school. he says it’s not 'recommendable'. the paths are muddy. however, we could go by launch (chalupa), he says. i'm relieved i've finally talked to him. it's a huge relief, sammy, like a world lifted off my shoulders.

 

what is wrong with me?

 

 

 

 

 

56. FRIENDS OF YOUR HOSTS HAVE DANGEROUS POLITICAL CONNECTIONS, YOU SAY?  WHO CARES?  RELAX.  ENJOY YOUR STAY IN PARADISE.

 

later. writing in the patio-kitchen.

 

now i've had breakfast; and Robbie and Yazmín have clarified things.

 

they've saved me from falling in love with paradise.

 

don't ever love a spot on this earth with people in it. in no time they'll destroy the illusion.

 

i'm devastated – but relieved, maybe. i'm a mess. i'll explain, if i can think at all.

 

to repeat, Ibrahim is the good looking young man who wears a straw hat above his black sleepy eyes, black bushy eyebrows and mustache, the one who had breakfast with us Saturday morning, later sat on the bench fixing his bike wheel and told me he had thirty-three siblings. first of all, as i said, Ibrahim and Gustavo do not live next door as i'd thought. they just go in and out visiting the young barber-fisherman and the other young man who lives there. Victoria – Ibrahim and Gustavo's mother – has worked hard to give her three kids – the two boys and Sandi – what they deserve. Sandi is the dark steamy tropical dish who climbed the porch the other night, standing in profile for my sake a second. Victoria makes hammocks in her yard a half block away. she clerks a jeans and t-shirt shop in the plaza on market days, which are Thursdays and Sundays. since politico pop has so little to do with this one of his many sideshows, they've done things themselves. and they've done okay. Gustavo is about to get married. he invited me to his wedding in December. after that he'll go to university in Barranquilla, paid for by the hammocks and jeans i guess. Ibrahim teaches all week in the countryside. and Sandi – has a boyfriend, i think. the point is that somewhere, somehow, they've all befriended guerrillas.

 

i don't like it, but it might be the perfect excuse to walk out of this paradise with all its many allusions to violence, and never look back, sammy.

 

i'll try to explain.

 

if i can.

 

it's not that i'm down on guerrillas automatically, or necessarily. it's just that they might be dangerous. shouldn't we get the next launch out?

 

why are there Marxist guerrillas in paradise anyway, where everything's perfect? why ruin a good thing? don't they know that the communist Soviet Union fell apart? the revolution was discredited? Marxism was tried and didn't work, constantly taken over by despots?

 

Robbie looks relaxed. he feels we're safe; and won't discuss it further, now that breakfast is over. maybe later. too many people around, listening.

                                                                    

so i have to think it through calmly, with your help, sammy.

 

when someone befriends guerrillas, is it for economic, psychological, political or other reasons? did their friendship with guerrillas occur out of economic need? did it come about psychologically, maybe growing out of resentment toward Pop, who works for the government in 'infrastructure'? or did it come from a fundamental political leaning of Victoria's?

 

did it have to come about at all? was it really necessary? violent revolution of any kind is not my thing on vacation or any other time, let’s face it. i’m used to peace and quiet in the suburbs.

 

the way Yazmín tells it – over breakfast – and Robinson translates, is this: the boys got in the habit somehow of traveling to all the little towns on the outskirts of Santisima Cruz on their saint's days. they partied, fooled around with the girls and drank in the streets till the sky lightened, like we did Saturday night. or until the guerrillas came by and told them to go home right away, saying, "We can't protect you here any longer."

 

protect from what?!

 

from those who might dislike their friendship with guerrillas, say Yazmín and Robbie, matter-of-factly.

 

what ‘friendship’? i ask, choking on breakfast masa.

 

when the guerrillas come to Santisima Cruz on weekends, says Robbie, they always stay at Victoria's.

 

but that's not what i mean. how did they become friendly? from deep sympathy with their cause? or by getting caught in a web of obligations they can't escape?

 

both, thinks Robbie.

 

help me, sammy. i’m losing it. it's time to be sensible and i am rattled. they're ruining paradise. suddenly it's a town not of friendship and warmth, but of intrigue. who belongs to which party? are friends friends? Colombian politics are deadly. when political parties disagree, hundreds or thousands die. survivors give mass slaughter a name, like ‘La Violencia’; or, 'War of a Thousand Days'. one of my tour books says that during La Violencia, simple people like the people in this town were killed just for belonging to one traditional party or the other, Conservative or Liberal. that, sammy, in the states would be like being shot in the head by a Republican just for being a Democrat, or vice versa. and this is no infant democracy here, it is not one of the baby democracies born around the world in the last few decades. this so-called democracy has elected its president and legislature for the greater part of two centuries, ever since Simón Bolívar defeated the Spanish monarchy in 1819.

 

they got their independence soon after we got ours.

 

finally, as if the two traditional parties had not caused strife sufficient in a century and a half, more parties appeared during the fifties and sixties, say the guide books: guerrilla parties, several kinds of Marxists, including Maoist, Soviet, Cuban, and Catholic, all of them espousing armed, violent revolution. the two original traditional warring parties, liberal and conservative, finally civilized themselves, calmed down, thought straight about what they’d been doing stupidly to their own country, and joined forces against all of the revolutionary Marxist parties. but by then it was too late to stop them.

 

and mj lorenzo, trying to hide from the world in 1994, ran into ALL of them.

 

i could find a different spot, sammy. i could forget Santisima Cruz. but now i’ve got drinking buddies here. and besides, how could anyone forget Santisima Cruz? even Colombian authors living abroad in safety, even Nobel Prize winners, come back to write about Santisima Cruz.

 

so now i have depressing questions to ask. are Robbie’s friends guerrillas? are they hiding something? does Robbie know more than he’s saying? were all the friendly people at Gustavo’s party friendly because they wanted me on their side? were they merely friendly out of allegiance to Yazmín and her family; or both?

 

am i safe?

 

must i now doubt that people here like me for simply being who i am, the interesting gringo, Dr. Lorennzo the writer, as i assumed till now, apparently grandiosely?

 

nothing makes sense any more.

 

to make sense of it, i need to be calm. and to stay calm i have to think on paper. how did we get to this point?

 

i’ll fill you in, sammy.

 

robbie says the friendship between the two families goes back to when Yazmín, with several kids from age two (Adriana) to fifteen (Robbie); and Victoria, with at least three kids, 5, 3 and 1; both found themselves without men to support them. but is their friendship deep enough to reach me? supposedly yes. in Santisima Cruz a friend of a friend is an instant friend. i’m a very good friend of a very good friend, so i’m more than an instant friend. applying the principal logically, Ibrahim was my best friend years before we met. that’s why i’m invited to his brother’s wedding in December. and when Robbie said yesterday, “Let’s come back,” i gave a yes, thinking only of Saturday night’s party in the garden of Eden. but at the wedding, sammy, you can bet there will be serious drinking, partying, forgetting and – guerrillas.

 

so i hesitate. if this boozing friendship develops, what will it mean? if i befriend Robbie’s friends, then return for a wedding, will i look like a guerrilla sympathizer? if i talk or write about politics, as right now, will i look like an outside agitator? a little while ago, when i cried at leaving these friends, fallen in love with the whole paradisal world of ten of the nicest young men south of the big dipper, i was seeing it romantically. now reality hits. maybe they’ll be knifed to death by political enemies. yesterday i’d found a town i might call mine, an educated town, a town sano, as Angel called it. healthy. sound. not sick and insane like towns and cities everywhere else. a perfect place to forget the crazy world. but today i see there’s insanity here too.

 

“Whose side is politico Pop on?” i ask Robbie.

 

he doesn’t know. he can’t talk about it, so i answer the question myself. for all i know, Pop could work for ‘infrastructure’ under the guise of government employee, while as a politico, on the sly, he’s friends with guerrillas. how would i know? would i want to know? wouldn’t knowing get me in deeper? six feet deeper?

 

i’m not down on guerrillas or leftists, sammy, don’t misinterpret this, please. they do good things sometimes. once in a while they outdo good with bad, i’ve heard. sometimes they do very good things, i’ve heard, or very bad. they’re a mixed bag, like life. i’m not down on life, either, at the moment. it’s danger i’m down on. in some places in Latin America, leftist guerrillas have been a danger to gringos, even friendly open-minded ones. that’s why suddenly i don’t want Yazmín’s house here at all, not for twenty million pesos or twenty thousand dollars. not for the price of a dried-out piece of cheese crawling with ants.

 

nor is it that i’m on one side or the other, right or left.

 

Republicans, Democrats and guerrillas all seem ridiculous to someone dying. sides aren’t the problem, sammy. i never was very political, as you know, even before i got bitten by a bug. i doubt i’d ever risk my life for political reasons. my problem is that political danger, if present, is not my idea of escape. it’s too intensei want to be left alone to slip into the next world quietly and thoughtfully, resting in my bed or hammock in Santisima Cruz in peace, when i choose. that’s all i ask for, sammy. it isn’t too much to ask, is it?

 

Sandi atop the main dock
              steps with town plaza behind her busy on market day 

Sandi, sister of Ibrahim and Gustavo

 

 

 

 

 

57.  YOU'LL STILL SEE ALL YOUR BOOZIN’ PALS MONDAY MORNING, ONE BY ONE.  WHAT’S SO BAD ABOUT THAT?

 

i'm out on the front porch again.

 

Ibrahim passes again and again, talking to Robbie, saying little to me.

 

maybe he senses my confusion. i’m more wound up than usual. it would be an effort to talk to me even under ordinary circumstances, i admit, given his costeño accent, my shyness and imperfect knowledge of Spanish. as their incorrigible toothless ‘Tio’ said last night at the birthday party, it's no use knowing a little bit of a language only. a language is useful only if you can 'dominate', said Uncle, and i can't.[4]  i feel helpless to communicate, much of the time. and it's getting the best of me, sammy. especially now when i'm more desperate to understand than ever. especially today of all days, when i'd like to say a heartfelt, well-expressed goodbye and thank-you.

 

this is the same old ‘Tio’ who early in last night's party fell asleep drunk on aguardiente, vallenato, chicken soup and noise, in a short hammock of coarse cords, not the usual soft cloth. because of the way a short hammock is made, he dozed off in a sitting position, leaning back in the hammock, knees splayed, straw campesino hat on chest. later he woke, traipsed wobbling about in ragged shirt and pants, saying wise and toothless, incorrigible things like, "All gringos are Italians!"

 

"What do you mean, Tio? That's crazy!" Gustavo said. after much palaver Gustavo translated for me. what Tio was saying in gum-smacking patois, was that ‘gringo’ is an Italian word.

 

"Oh," said i. "I didn't know that."

 

or was it that 'America' was an Italian word.

 

"Italy is the most beautiful country in the world," said Tio. this i understood. i agreed but forgot to ask how he knew. Gustavo said something about World War II. Uncle was on the Italian front maybe. Victoria's three beautiful children were part Italian maybe.

 

Ibrahim said his name was Turkish. some Turks hit town a few years back. in the market yesterday there were people who looked Middle Eastern. i've seen Hamitic and Semitic features around here, i think, but "race" is a confusing matter in these parts, and most people with an ounce of sense ignore it.

 

but i was filling you in, sammy, thinking it all through in order to stay calm, and weigh options.

 

Saturday night i got to know all the boys, one by one, who Robbie considers his pack. they’re half a generation behind him. they were only five or less when he left here at fifteen, yet he insists ten years and a continent can’t dull a friendship between a fifteen year old and a five year old in Santisima Cruz. Ibrahim's mother and his own mother were like family. and from the states Robbie has phoned home − enough over the years to keep up with family and friends and others besides. he and i are still friends for that reason alone. Robbie's a long-distance phoning fool of a good friend.

 

but if Robbie called that much to Santisima Cruz, he should have known about the political situation, shouldn't he?

 

i'll have to think about that.


maybe that's something they can't talk about on the phone.

 

i guess the boys of the neighborhood must be working today, or in school, since it's Monday. the bench next door that was full all weekend is empty. only Ibrahim is around at the moment, passing back and forth on a miniature dirt bike. the young barber-fisherman i haven't seen, nor the young guy from the country who married the girl next door, moved in with her and thereby fell into the pack.

 

it's interesting that no sign says 'milk'. none of the barrio row houses is marked 'Dairy Products', or 'Cheese' or 'Barber' or 'Hammocks' or 'Guerrilla Info'. the sala, or front parlor of any house is also often a makeshift store, or place of business. if you want milk you go to the corner house, down-canal to the right; everyone knows; if cheese, you come here, as they've done this morning. as advertisement, a chunk of cheese sits on a table in the doorway, drying, open to air and ants. somehow it escapes dogs, chickens and pigs walking through the sala. in our house they sell eggs and sodas too, out of the fridge. and Omar kills a steer each Sunday morning. he cuts it up and sells it in pieces at the market in the church plaza. a lot of business goes on in that main square during the two market days each week, Thursdays and Sundays, but just as much happens at home every day of the week. if you want a hammock, you go to Victoria's house. if you want a haircut you go next door to the left, to the young barber fisherman's and the public Bible reader's. if you want to phone someone, you go down to the milk boys' and use their phone; or two doors to the left. but they’re more accommodating at the milk boys’. there's no charge to call anywhere in the world, as long as you pay when the bill comes. i haven't seen cheese bartered for milk or a phone call, but it happens daily, i'm sure, and may help explain why nobody has cash.

 

it's a simple life. very old fashioned.

 

and it WAS growing on me.

 

one of the milk brothers came by this morning earlier, and explained he was delivering milk, but i didn't see any. then his brother, the one who supplied the music cassettes Saturday night for the street party after the beauty contest, came by, high up on a burro, sitting atop a strange wooden frame that held wooden buckets on each side of the burro. i was used to seeing him on two legs, like Saturday night! i asked what in the world he was doing way up there, riding two antique wooden buckets on top of a burro’s back, of all things, and he said he was going to get milk to sell in the 'store', meaning the front room of their house.

 

he didn't look unhappy. he didn't look violent or revolutionary. he looked like a boozing pal you met after a Saturday night blast. i felt i was talking to a brother, actually, a buddy i'd known all my life. it felt like more than that, in fact, but i don’t know how to explain it, sammy. a few days and a party or two in this part of the world can change a person until he no longer recognizes himself or any person or thing in the world, apparently.

 

this last day in paradise may change me again, for better or worse.

 

here comes Ibrahim on his too-small child's bike again, smiling. he keeps right on going and it upsets me.

 

tell me something, sammy. if i'm afraid of Ibrahim's guerrilla friends; if i'm thirty years older than he; if i'm leaving here to keel over in Denver peacefully and quietly; then why the heck do i find myself wanting to feel a part of this group of twenty-year-olds? it's humiliating, really, when you consider how crazy it seems.

 

i’m out of control again.

 

i’m a pawn of emotions i don’t understand.

 

a Santisima Cruz burro hauls
              firewood in a wooden frame as driver walks behind 

a Santisima Cruz burro hauls firewood in a wooden frame

as driver walks behind

 

 

 

 

 

58. SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HIDE TOO LONG IN A SHELL?  YOU HATCH AT A TIME AND PLACE THAT’S ABSOLUTELY MIND-BLOWING.

 

it all started Saturday. i'd gotten my inner wall back by Saturday morning and felt better. Ibrahim drew me out and left me feeling safe. i learned García Márquez lived here during his teens. i saw the house where he lived, and that opened another door in me. this caño flows right by the back of that house, a few blocks from here. good things were happening right and left. i got used to trash floating by. it was hypnotizing. people liked me for some reason. everywhere i went, lively, likeable, good-looking and popular boys from the neighborhood popped up and wanted to be around. despite the exceedingly backward appearance of their isolated pueblo, including the fact that they rode milk-hauling burros to sell milk, and let pigs wander through their houses, they were not unlettered brutish hicks, but decent educated county-town boys.

 

late in the afternoon Saturday, Ibrahim came by and said i should come to a party. it was a special party for the whole town, a rare event i had to see. i didn't tell him i hated parties, like i would have told anyone in the states. instead, the house and my writing pad suddenly felt cramped and boring. rather than offend Ibrahim, who had won the unannounced prize for drawing me out of my shell, i decided to go. i'd hide in a corner and watch, at least. that would be his reward.

 

in the end i spent the night out, sammy, not hiding at all, but getting to know all of the 17-25 year old boys i'd been admiring since arrival, one by one, the neighborhood pack. the young fisherman came by for a while, seeming shyer and younger than the rest. Ibrahim was a mainstay, as were the two milk guys. i was baffled wondering what age they might be, any of them, and still am, because they retain a youthful appearance yet behave more maturely than their age counterparts in our country. boys grow up faster in poor Latin America, i've observed. they assume adult roles at a younger age, and act more mature. yet, like Chalo said, Colombian men retain a youthful appearance longer than women – an astute observation for a street urchin just nineteen, if you ask me. in the U.S. the reverse was true, i told him. men lose their charm in late teens, guzzling beer and burgers so they look foamy and beefy. they lose their ruddy cheeks at sixteen, yet act like adolescent morons till forty or more. i’m the perfect example. on the other hand, U.S. women starve their bodies and vomit dinner, to stay thin and charming forever.

 

anyway – Saturday night, at the beauty contest at the caseta – as we were paying our way in: Robbie turned to me and said there were guerrillas about.

 

it was inscrutable. a warning, maybe. an observation. who knew? too many big things happened too fast to ask.

 

inside the entrance gate the place was teeming with locals. we stayed near the entrance, far from the noisy stage, at the back end of the big walled field. it seemed like the large enclosed farmyard of an old hacienda. besides the mob of partying locals, there were government soldiers in twos and threes with powerful rifles, certainly automatic. not resting on shoulders like U.S. soldiers' guns, either, but hip-high, aimed at an angle to the ground, ready to fire. whenever soldiers came by i tried to blend in. finally i realized i was of no interest to them. but as for the guerrillas, who knew?

 

in no time the boys of the neighborhood found us. they kept passing Medellín rum and aguardiente chased by Pepsi or orange soda, and soon Robbie and Ibrahim looked a little tipsy, i thought. playing big brother, i said we shouldn't drink too much, but stay sharp, since there might be guerrillas about. plus there were soldiers with guns. but i had no real desire to refuse my wonderful new friends the next few rounds of aguardiente, and so, very soon i was too happy to care. live music came booming down the field, bouncing off the walls. i'd found a good place to get away from the world and it was called Santisima Cruz. it was heavenly. coming from outer space, i’d landed in a single block of ten local youth who were immortal. it wasn't like the first-night’s party in Cartagena, where i'd stayed polite and kept a medical, somewhat drunken distance from a group of middle-aged men. each round here was a playful ritual, melding me closer, making me one of the twenty-year-old Cocalanders. like them, i was too young and full of life to think of dying. my life lay ahead like theirs. years were left for all and anything i wanted, enough to throw several away. i lost count of the aguardiente rounds.

 

maybe i was of no interest to government soldiers, but what about guerrillas?

 

"Where are they?" i asked Robinson in English after several rounds of aguardiente.

 

"i tell you look behind."

 

"They're still behind us?" that's what i’d thought he'd said when we were outside the entrance. "Are they following us?"

 

he ignored this.

 

so i said, "I'm not going to turn around and stare. That's too obvious."

 

why wouldn't he help me understand?

 

as a result, i had no idea what they looked like or what i was supposed to feel about these mysterious ‘guerrillas’. since the day on the plane when we'd discussed dangers, whenever the subject of guerrillas had come up we'd parried and misunderstood each other. since Robbie rarely employed past tense in English, maybe he'd meant they'd been outside the gate and had stayed there. things were too fast and loud to sort out anything of magnitude in a language not Robbie's, or one not mine. these were our only choices.

 

is it any wonder i keep writing to you, sammy, instead of talking to people here?

 

so, when Hernando came along and spoke my language better than Robbie, i was relieved. i told him Robbie and i had been preoccupied with guerrillas. of course it didn't occur to me at first that Hernando might be one. the word guerrilla had been abused in the states until it connoted someone heartless, cruel and non-human. teenage Hernando looked none of these.

 

"They're here," said Hernando, a younger, shorter version of El Pescador, the fisherman, with curly hair like his, and no mustache, but lighter complexion, and a friendly teenage smile. "Who knows which ones they are," he said in English with an accent. "They are mixed in, everywhere. They are around you."

 

why in the world had i gotten the notion they always wore uniforms? i knew better from fifty years of media absorption, but it’s different when people are telling you they’re within a few yards. your circuits blow and you forget things.

 

it was the clearest picture i'd gotten of guerrillas so far, and i appreciated it. why couldn't Robbie have been as clear? it wasn't the news i would have wanted, but at least it got me talking to Hernando. naturally it hadn't occurred to me yet, sammy, that the boys themselves might be friends with guerrillas, or sympathize with their cause, or that Hernando might have included his own innocent-looking self when saying, 'They’re around you'. apparently guerrillas not only looked human, they were. and if they could stand around and not bother me, how could they be bad? they had to be harmless as dormice.

 

Robbie had only talked to me once about Colombian guerrillas in general, years before, when he first lived with me in Denver. he'd sounded respectful, even sympathetic in an uninformed, stupid way, yet a little scared, and had never hinted there were any in his Colombian home town. i'd pictured them in remote jungles, not in his back yard. he was younger then, and had left Santisima Cruz at fifteen in 1976 to live in the coastal cities, Cartagena and Barranquilla, so maybe hadn't known they had soon moved into his county. on the other hand, even though Robbie was young back then, he wasn't stupid, in all reality, and had a good rural Santisima Cruz county-seat education. maybe he’d known perfectly well and been careful not to tell me. i couldn't be sure what he’d said back then, because that conversation had occurred in my very bad 1981 Spanish, and we’d never returned to the subject.

 

so, at the moment when Hernando told me there were guerrillas everywhere, dressed like ordinary people, i was surrounded by Robbie and the boys of the neighborhood and felt protected and cared for. they didn't seem to be worried. why should i be? guerrillas probably came to the beauty contest every year. life in Santisima Cruz offered a number of imponderables besides guerrillas, and my mind leapt to a different one, electricity.

 

government soldier guards Santisima
              Cruz main dock surrounded by local men 

throughout the 1990s the main dock and plaza in Santisima Cruz

were often well guarded by Colombian government troops, as here
(photo taken from inside chalupa with boat's roof and someone's back partly blocking view)

 

 

 

 

 

59.  OK.  PICTURE THIS.  YOU AND A THOUSAND PARTYING TROPICAL TEENS AND TOWNSFOLK.  THE CROWD IS INFILTRATED BY CAMOUFLAGED, ARMED GUERRILLAS ON THE ONE HAND, AND UNIFORMED GOVERNMENT SOLDIERS WITH AUTOMATIC RIFLES ON THE OTHER.  MID-PARTY, ELECTRICITY FAILS.  LIGHTS GO OUT.  BLIND AS A BAT IN PURGATORY, LOST IN AN ARMED MOB IN COCALAND, WHAT DO YOU DO NOW, O SEEKER OF PARADISE FOR LOST GRINGOS????

         

 

once or twice each evening in Santisima Cruz, the electricity goes dead from one to ten minutes, and no one has offered an explanation. the inadequacy of third world infrastructure is no doubt to blame. women in their homes pull out candles indifferently, and as soon as they're out and lit, back come the lights.

 

standing there with the boys i foresaw what would happen. i turned to Robbie and said in English, “If the lights go out at this party of 500 or 1000 people, young and frisky, in an open field surrounded by four walls too high to scale and escape, all primed with aguardiente, prodded by guns, and sparked by live music stirring passion, from South American Indian drum-and-flute cumbia, to primo vallenato done with guitar instead of accordion, to Gloria Trevi lip-synched by a hometown somebody they all screaming know, then WHAT IN THE WORLD is going to happen when the lights go off?!!” i looked at him insanely, worked up by my brilliant line of thought. “There'll be panic!” i answered, not waiting for him. i was panicked thinking about it, so we decided that if it happened we'd rush to the side wall “to escape stray bullets,” and we would "stay together."

 

sure enough, in a few minutes everything came to a halt. the lights went off, the booming sound went dead, and i ran blindly in the direction of the side wall only to crash spectacles first into a woman who shrieked and shrieked again when i grabbed her in the dark to keep her from falling over. i begged her pardon and stayed by her side in the darkness, wondering why no one in the crowd had panicked but me, and why Robbie hadn't followed the plan.


several minutes went by. the lights came on and i returned to Robbie and the boys, and he said in Spanish, as if this were the requisite language from now on, "Where did you go? I said stick together if the lights go out!?"

 

i couldn't defend myself in Spanish. it required shouting unbefuddled in a foreign tongue, arguing subtleties over mind-boggling noise. so naturally, sammy, the next time the lights went off i stayed by him in the dark, swigging aguardiente, chasing it with orange soda as nonchalantly as the rest of the crowd, ignoring gun-wielding soldiers and pocket-pistol guerrillas dressed as ordinary people, as if it were a fifties high school dance in Florence, New Jersey.

 

that’s your doctor boy in Colombia.

 

 

 

 

 

60.  FIND REASSURANCE IN THE YOUNG BARBER-FISHERMAN.

 

later.

 

my writing, here on the front porch, gets halted by the fisherman, El Pescador, as i dubbed him at the church and here. his name is Pablo i think. he's the one who helps at the church, wears the medallion of Christ's face, lives next door to the left and is also the junior barber. he's younger than most of the guys, it seems, maybe nineteen or seventeen, with shorter black hair than theirs, tighter ringlets and no mustache. he has a year left to finish high school or bachillerato, he tells me. after that he wants to go to Sincelejo and live with an uncle who has an ice cream factory so he can learn how to have his own factory. there's no work in Santisima Cruz, he says.

 

face of the 'teenage
              barber-fisherman' 

“the teenage barber-fisherman”

 

i disagree. there's killing cows, selling cheese, catching fish, barbering. it's a healthy friendly sano life. i don't mention the guerrillas, of course, because i want to dissuade him from moving away. if there’s any chance in hell of my moving here, sammy, to buy Yazmín's house and live out my days, all my drinking buddies are going to have to be here still. why should i risk being kidnapped and killed by anti-American revolutionary Marxist guerrillas, if El Pescador won't be here?

 

isn't that what guerrillas do to gringos in Colombia, kidnap them for ransom? didn't i hear that somewhere?

 

of course i don't ask El Pescador these questions.

 

he says there's some work here, yes. but there's nothing like taking a mango and using it for making candy or ice cream. here in this little town all you get is the real mango off the tree, but no jobs or business schools. in Sincelejo you work during the day and go to school at night. you study business little by little, then take real mangoes and turn them into tasty ice cream, which sells because it’s the perfect antidote to Cocaland heat.[5]

 

as for a career of catching fish and such, as i recommended, El Pescador admits he likes walking in the nearby forest, catching turtles and birds. he traps canaries and songbirds and lets them out of the cage at home, because they sing better when flying free in the house, and they ‘never fly away’. turtles hide under the plants we see floating in the river, he says. he means, i assume, in places where such plants stay put, along riverbanks and bog shores. the turtles are of several varieties and sizes, but never as big as those from Galapagos, he explains to my question. as with birds, if he doesn't eat the turtles, he gives them away or sells them.

 

Rio Mojana opposite-bank view
              of main-dock waterfront Santisima Cruz with Pedro pulling
              in a net in foreground 

Pedro ‘El Pescador’ (the 'teenage barber-fisherman')

fishing in the Rio Mojana near Santisima Cruz’ main dock

 

how can we sit here, sammy, talking about turtles and birds when we're surrounded by guerrillas? could it be that there really is nothing to fear?
 

if El Pescador likes fishing and trapping birds and turtles, he should stay in Santisima Cruz, if you ask me. if he's in Sincelejo, how can he hang around, reassuring me by his carefree air that i needn't fear anyone of any political persuasion, right or left? if he's in Sincelejo, how can we trap turtles? doesn't he see, if i'm going to feel better and live longer than i would in the states, Santisima Cruz must remain a simpatico place, full of harmless politicos and drinking buddies?

 

besides, if he leaves, who will peel limes for our late night street parties?

 

that was his job during the party Saturday night.

 

as for his church, which Yazmín says is ‘the only reason the whole town hasn't passed into the hands of the guerrillas’, El Pescador says he likes the present priest, who is affectionate, i.e. loving, ‘cariñoso’, especially to young people. he doesn't chase women like the last priest, who got sent to a monastery as punishment for all his drinking and running around and has ‘served’ three months already.

 

when El Pescador talks, it's a little like Ibrahim; he's enchanted with everything and beams life and its delights, be they turtles, fish or drunken priests. with my camera i got a full-frame close-up of his young thoughtful face, and a close-up of Ibrahim too, when he went by again, with his darker, almost sneaky smile.[6] now some boys come by selling caged canaries for $15, and i take a close-up of one of them.[7]

 

how can these young men be happy under such intense political conditions, sammy? maybe it's just more proof that the place is blessed and that i'm an old fogey, making a guerrilla mountain out of a paradise molehill.

 

close-up of teen kneeling on
              camino presenting his caged yellow canary 

“now some boys come by selling caged canaries for $15

and i take a close-up of one of them”

 

 

 

 

 

61.  ALWAYS DODGE POLITICAL INTERROGATION.  DO IT WITH IMAGINATION AND SHARP KNOWLEDGE OF COCALAND HISTORY.  USE DIPLOMACY, FLATTERY, QUOTATIONS OF COCALAND NOBEL LAUREATES IN LITERATURE, CHANGES OF SUBJECT, AND PUTDOWNS OF GRINGOLAND AND THE ENTIRE WORLD.  PUT DOWN YOUR INTERROGATOR IF YOU MUST, TO GET HIM OFF YOUR POLITICAL TAIL.  IF ALL THIS FAILS, THEN BARE YOUR HEART UNTIL YOU FEEL SO VULNERABLE YOU GO PLUMB SCHIZOPHRENIC MUTE, TO THE BETTERMENT OF ALL.

 

anyway, after the live show, and once the wrong girl had won Miss Santisima Cruz – only, as Ibrahim's best friend said, because she had a better ass, or "tiene nalgas," unlike the one he wanted to win, apparently his girlfriend or something close, who other than her ass deserved it most – there followed a ‘rumba’, a party and dance during which we all – or i, at least – got even a little dumber and drunker yet.

 

somewhere in here, while people were dancing, is where i began a long conversation with seventeen-year-old Hernando. he was different from the other boys and i responded to him more intensely, with an obsession almost. he was the only one who spoke English, which meant i could understand him easily, and he seemed to understand my bad Spanish. this put us on an equal footing, ignoring the age difference of thirty-four years, of course.

 

Hernando was a young intellectual. in keeping with tradition in Latin America he was one of liberal leaning, it seemed. naturally, given these credentials he confronted his U.S. American guest immediately, as he was supposed to. always smiling, of course. after all, we were drinking buddies. and i was the very good friend of a very good friend of a friend, which made me almost like a friendly caring uncle, in U.S. terms. i was jousting with a much younger brother, it seemed, or with an argumentative but playful and friendly son, who always smiled.

 

eventually i realized Hernando was better raised than the others and closer to what in our country was upper class, but in old world terms – which seemed to pertain here – was landed gentry, in a very remote and backward, conservative, old-fashioned area. his parents had a big hacienda ten miles outside of Santisima Cruz, but lived most of the year in Cartagena because of the guerrillas around the hacienda, whom they had to pay off regularly to maintain peace. Hernando, though only 17, lived in Santisima Cruz at the moment, alone in the family town house. after a few days he would go to Cartagena to enroll for the next stage of his schooling. meantime he was finishing school here. but he had just spent two years studying with an English professor from England, if i got the story right. a kind of private tutor. with the professor he'd been allowed to speak only English.

 

it all smelled of money, power and influence, of course, sammy.

 

once i'd gotten this much out of him, and told him a little about me, leaving out the most important current information, of course, there followed the inevitable questions.

 

"Why do North Americans," he asked, always smiling genuinely, "say Colombia is a ‘narcodemocracy’?"

 

how was i supposed to answer? the tour books hadn't mentioned political interrogation as a possible outcome of touring Colombia. the Cocaland papers hadn't either, and i wasn't ready.

 

i said, "Americans hardly think about Colombia. When they do, they only have the media to go on, and the media tell only stories of drug wars, guerrilla wars, crime, kidnapping, mass supreme-court judge-killing, mountain landslides killing tens of thousands, and so forth."

 

"But why do they think we are a ‘narcodemocracy’?" he insisted on knowing. apparently i wasn't supposed to rattle on about the media, or appear under-informed or evasive. he wanted an answer.

 

given his urgent tone, my mind worked harder. soon i'd be leaving not just Cocaland, but the world. i might never talk to Hernando again. how did i know he wouldn't be president of his country some day? he had enough nerve. the president of any third-world country could affect the whole world, as Iraq’s Saddam Hussein did. the future of the world might ride on my answer as to why U.S. Americans thought the Colombians were a ‘narcodemocracy’.

 

"Like the American DEA chief in Colombia said?" i asked finally. last Saturday's El Espectador, the Colombian paper which i'd read on the plane, had reported this. one more arrogant, insensitive U.S. official had offended Latin Americans.

 

"Yes," he said, smiling.

 

"What does that expression mean to you?" i asked, like a psychiatrist trying to defuse anger. "To me," i said, "'narco' and 'democracy' are two huge, very abstract words, with many possible meanings."

 

but you couldn't bamboozle Hernando with semantics, either. he knew exactly what those words meant. he said the DEA agent meant every Colombian citizen trafficked in drugs.

 

imagine!!

 

i never would have interpreted it that way, and the DEA guy would never have meant it that way either, more than likely.

 

it was late, and i was on overtime. i looked to robbie, knowing he could turn any serious conversation into a joke, but he was in a heated conversation with ibrahim. so i turned to Hernando and said that average Americans might not think that way exactly. they just had a dark, frightful picture of Colombiai, for one, had been afraid before coming to Colombia, and Yazmín and her whole family were afraid for me, whether i shopped in daytime or partied at night.

 

"Afraid of what?" asked Hernando as if he really didn't know.

 

"Guerrillas, drug poisoning, kidnappings, police, soldiers, thieves, contaminated water, landslides. Floods."

 

he asked if i really believed it was that dangerous and i said of course not, since i'd come to Santisima Cruz and seen how friendly people were. he said nothing. no doubt i'd offended him.

 

his 'interrogation', which is the best i can give it, though it was polite and smiling and maybe a little excited by intoxication, resumed: "Why do the North Americans," which to him always meant U.S. Americans, "interfere in the affairs of government of Latin American countries?"

 

he must have been leading up to this, getting me ready – for the kill. so he could roast me, and chew me up.

i started to answer but quit when i remembered it was U.S. foreign policy practically since the Monroe Doctrine in the early 1800s, soon after the Revolution and Independence.[8]  i avoided answering by talking instead about García Márquez, who had been quoted in the same Bogotá paper as saying that the American government forever and ever failed to address the all-important question: why did U.S. Americans want to spend their lives numbed by cocaine in the first place? it begged explanation, really. in the USA, the richest, most powerful democratic nation-state in the history of the world, a country where education, individual freedoms and daily physical comfort had reached vast numbers of ordinary people in a way unknown in history, what could U.S. citizens possibly be numbing themselves FROM, or ABOUT? somebody had to ask that question and find an answer quick! before a bunch of unhappy misfit drug-crazy gringos blew up the world.

 

naturally i didn't mention i'd been behaving the same way myself at one point three years ago, or that my son's life was ruined by drugs.

 

"Exactly," enthused Hernando. "If there were no demand in North America, Colombia would not produce cocaine."

in other words, we were agreeing that: if Cocaland was a narco-TRAFFICKING-democracy, it was only because the USA was a narco-GUZZLING-democracy.[9] if the DEA agent had publicly admitted that, and used the terms narcotrafficking and narcoguzzling in exactly that way, in the same demeaning way he had combined the words narco- and democracy, then Cocalanders like Hernando, intelligent thinking people, might have felt a tiny bit better about the United States of America. And themselves.

 

it made sense. we'd found agreement on one thing, at least. i felt better and it got me talking more. i was on a roll. i told him that upon gaining material wealth, political freedom and world dominance, many Americans had lost a sense of purpose in living, any sense of community, of love and mutual affection. they'd ended up empty, using cocaine, marijuana and alcohol to fill the void. some were stricken with plague – physical, spiritual or both – and didn't believe the world was worth saving or anybody in it, not even the boys of Santisima Cruz.

 

i dropped this train of thought, fortunately, because it was complex and disturbing, maybe even offensive. if those words tied me in knots, what were they doing to him? my original intention had been to show there was fault in my country and good in his. i should have stopped with that, but instead i bared my soul tactlessly until i felt vulnerable, whether he knew it or not.

 

another round of aguardiente came by and i let it interrupt the conversation. we drifted apart and i lost track of him. he disappeared in the noisy crowd.

 

 

 

 

 

62.  DETAILED STEP-BY-STEP INSTRUCTION ON HOW TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY BY JUMPING TO BASELESS AND POLITICALLY INSENSITIVE CONCLUSIONS ABOUT YOUR ASSIGNED YOUNG POLITICAL INTERROGATOR.

 

after a while, despite the grilling Hernando had given me, i asked about him and they went looking. i wanted to talk to him again because i understood everything, suddenly. if a Nobel Prize winning writer could come from a forgotten place like Santisima Cruz, why couldn't a future president? the thought took possession of me. a bright, educated, moneyed kid with Hernando's political savvy was as likely as any. on the other hand, my own time in the world was limited.

 

therefore, it made sense for him to use me as a punching bag, and dump his hatred of gringos on me. soon he'd get past what was bothering him about the USA. then, when they made him president, he'd be a little more forgiving of Yankee imperialism, from remembering mj lorenzo and his openness to criticism of the U.S. it would help world peace.

 

they went and found him. he'd been dancing.

 

"I missed you," i said.

 

i was hoping he would continue in the vein of his interrogation from a politically liberal standpoint, vis-à-vis my moderate, more philosophical, almost apolitical, view. this time i was ready. he didn't disappoint me. there were a few superficialities. a couple more celebratory rounds of aguardiente came by, binding us further.

 

what were we celebrating? i didn't really know any more, sammy, and it didn't matter. whatever it was, it was something that could change the world forever, if only it would. that’s how it felt by this point.

 

Hernando looked at me with the same smiling intensity as before.

 

"Why," he said, "did the North Americans have to get involved in” – meaning INVADE – “Haiti?!"

 

it must have been for idealistic reasons, right? peace and democracy? nothing perverse or outdated like Colonialism or Imperialism, i hoped.[10] but i wasn't sure, and i didn't want to bullshit the future president of Colombia. U.S. TV and newspapers had avoided the subject of ‘why’ in the way he meant ‘why’, so i gave up trying to defend an action i knew little about, and said i thought it would make no difference what kind of government Colombia had – since it seemed to be his drift to want a certain kind of Colombian government. in fact, because of the anti-American direction of his questions, and his persistence, i'd begun to suspect he was a Marxist sympathizer.

 

in retrospect, sammy, i see it was stupid to assume if Hernando questioned the U.S. he had to be a political liberal of any kind. any Colombian who paid attention to international politics might have had such feelings toward Americans. it was an even greater leap to presume i knew what kind of government he wanted for his country, when he hadn't so much as hinted at it. yet i'd taken that leap, too. without thinking twice, i'd assumed if he criticized the U.S. he was politically liberal, and if so, he must want a Marxist government for Colombia. on this lame pretext, i blessed him with the wisdom of my years, and threw into the mix the dark view i'd gained from learning how transitory life was.

 

all governments would fall on their faces, i said, dealing with problems caused by population explosion. just when they thought they'd solved some social problem, like finding a parcel of land for every blinking campesino, the population would explode beyond belief, creating problems ten times the enormity of the original problems. given that scenario of impending doom, it would be better if each person just found his own inner happiness. we should change our inner selves and quit trying to change the outside world, i said. naturally i didn't tell him i hadn't practiced this much myself.[11]

 

Hernando lost interest at this point and excused himself.

 

"Don't get lost this time," i said to him. "Come back and talk to me. You need to practice your English."

 

before he left i wanted him to know one more thing. the booze was helping me express myself and i didn’t want my wisdom wasted. plus, from the way he looked, my last answer probably hadn’t helped world peace much.

 

when he came back i told him i found him different from the other boys. he was special, i said, partly because he spoke English, and for other reasons, too. he had rare abilities, i could see, and this was nothing to get cocky about, i said, but was a matter of responsibility to his people, to use his talents to help them. hopefully when he became president of Colombia, i told him, he'd be a very knowledgeable and modest man.

 

he laughed pleasantly and thanked me and promised to come back to talk even more.

 

but our drinking brigade left then, just after Hernando left to dance. as a result he missed the all night street brawl that was about to follow. i saw him a little last night at Gustavo's birthday party, is all. and right now i'm waiting for him to come take me to buy vallenato cassettes.

 

but i don't think he's going to show, sammy.

 

 

 

 

 

63.  KNOW GOOD HELP WHEN YOU SEE HIM, IF YOU’RE LOST IN PARADISE.  TREAT HIM WITH GRATITUDE.

 

Youth, large, lusty, loving-Youth, full of grace, force, fascination.

Do you know that Old Age may come after you with equal grace, force, fascination?

 

Walt Whitman       Youth, Day, Old Age and Night

 

after that, our group walked home. i was dizzy, and swaggering a bit more than i usually would when drinking heavily, as the boys demonstrated at yesterday's party to the delight of those who had missed my performance Saturday night. again and again they demonstrated by swaggering exaggeratedly, and audience delight grew and grew. i didn't mind.

 

the fact is that when we got to the bamboo footbridge i stood and looked at it a long time. for some mamagallo reason, instead of the other bridge, the high wide concrete one with stone walls a half block down the canal, which i could have swaggered across safely, crashing into walls or keeling over on pavement as needed, they'd picked the very narrow one, which had absolutely no railing or support of any kind. it was closer to a tightrope than a bridge. i looked at it and something inside me overcame poor judgment with the realization i was bound to get dizzy, fall in and float to Cubait wasn't the way i wanted to go, i said.

 

they laughed. i did too, but nobody headed for the other bridge. they'd suddenly conspired to initiate me.

 

mental initiation. i was left to stew. how would i handle the situation?

 

i stood there stewing a while.

 

finally Ibrahim saved me from whatever disgrace standing there forever would have led to. like a perfect escort he went ahead of me, turned around with one foot on each rod of bamboo, and held his hand out. i felt ashamed i was being rescued in this way, but he wouldn't intentionally shame me, i was sure. robbie never had, nor his people. it wasn't their way. people around here would probably sooner kill than shame someone in public. Cajetano Gentil, or whatever his name was, was proof enough of that. a man offering another man a hand, was an acceptable gesture in this part of the world in such circumstances, apparently.

 

Ibrahim's hand sticking out was hard to refuse, sammy. when i reached for it, i found it warm and steady. Ibrahim turned. he led me like one of those two guides in long robes, as i’ve always pictured them, Hope, or Faith, in Pilgrim's Progress,[12] straight across the stretch with no railing.

 

that hand helped me, of course. but today i'm convinced that what really did it for me was Ibrahim's charisma. the warm steadiness of the person behind the hand told me i could do it, so i believed in myself and did it.

 

god knows it wasn't the bridge that did it. walking that narrow bamboo footbridge would have been like walking on water. i wobbled dizzily enough i'd have been in the caño without that warm hand. and not just any warm hand either. it had to be Ibrahim's because he'd shown that he knew me better than i knew myself. he'd proven it when he brought me out of my shell. it couldn’t be just any hand for another reason: because the bridge was nothing but two three-inch bamboo poles. that was it! NO RAILING. worse, it was a long traverse. those two bamboo poles spanned a width of water that allowed two floating chalupas, each ten sardined people wide, to miss each other passing in opposite directions during rainy season, so there was plenty of opportunity to get wet fast. and therefore: it had to be the correct hand.

 

dirt street scene with pigs,
              burro and canal, and famous narrow footbridge of the
              all-night party 

“they’d suddenly decided to initiate me"
famous footbridge of the all-night party

 

 

 

 

 

64.  RECEIVE UNIVERSAL LOVE AND ALL UNMERITED GRACE WITH POISE, AS ANY SAINT WOULD IN PARADISE.

 

at this point we were about 7-8 drinking partying guys and two sober girls. having made it across the caño alive, we now stood in front of the girls' house, three doors from Yazmín's. the milk brothers went away and came back with a boom box and a stack of tape cassettes. it must have been two in the morning. the neighborhood had been in bed for hours. the street was dead, but as we stood there, the boys proceeded to turn on their boom box and blast away with banda music, i think they called it, an awful concoction of tinny raucous brass, a music from where? MexicoValledupari was incurably drunk and got it wrong, i'm sure.

 

Egidio, one of the milk
              brothers, with the camino and a very full canal behind 

Egidio, one of the milk boys

(camino and a very full canal and its retaining wall behind him)

 

i hated it and after awhile they asked what i might like better. Mariachi, i said. Juan Gabriel, maybe. best of all, vallenatoanything but that grating banda.

 

they had no Gabriel or vallenato, so put on a cassette of two male Mexican soloists, alternating ballades in the best romantic Mexican style. we were standing on the bank all this time.

 

the girls said goodnight as they went in. it was the right and acceptable thing for girls to do at that hour, apparently, to go home to bed.

 

once the girls left, the guys found seats in front of the Pescador's on the crude backless bench and highback chairs the men and boys of the neighborhood always sat on. we continued celebrating, passing a little cup of Medellín rum, then when that ran out, aguardiente, talking and shouting all at once over loud music. it was impossible to miss, throughout the sleeping neighborhood, yet no lights came on in houses. no one came to doors and complained. no one yelled out through the carved, aerated brick and concrete walls to shut up, or called the police, as they would have in my impeccably clean and silenced condo development in southeast Denver.

 

no one but El Pescador apparently, who had disappeared from la caseta earlier, gone home and gone to bed, noticed us and now came out his door to greet us. he went back in and came out with a bowl of fifteen very fresh small limes, as if he'd picked them in the back. he also brought with him a huge aluminum shaker of salt and a huge knife approaching the mass and ferocity of a machete, with which he proceeded to peel the tiny limes with alacrity, sending pieces of peel flying into the night like wood chips off a lathe. in a greenish stream, they flew through the air in a perfect arc and splashed straight into the caño.

 

this had to be a time-honored ritual too, a local one.

 

it was amazing to watch, partly because the knife was so disproportionately huge for peeling tiny little limes, and yet he was so incredibly expert at it and only a teen.


ritual and know-how combined, in a kid about eighteen. no I.Q. test; no interview or application or essay necessary. if he'd been applying to my college, he'd have been admitted then and there.

 

two or three years ago, before i got depressed, sammy, i used to love rituals of all kinds. my life needed important ritual. i craved sacred ritual and still do, so was mesmerized by the flying lime peels. i reveled at the chance to be a part of it. present were Robinson; Ibrahim; el Pescador; Ibrahim's best friend, who was upset his girlfriend had lost the beauty contest to a girl who won only because ‘she had ass’, ‘tiene nalgas’; the boy from the countryside who married the girl next door; the two milk boys; and maybe more i can't remember now.

 

Ibrahim's best friend posed a major question which stopped all conversation. he complained in a loud showman's voice, slightly slurred, "The one who sh-should have won didn't, and the one who won, is a PIG." something like that. "Aye aye ai," said everyone, toasting the awful truth.

 

i felt a painful urge to fill in the detail of WHY the pig had won. the complaint lacked substance without it. the implied question lacked an answer. i gave into the urge.

 

"Ai," i added, "b-but, tiene nalgas."

 

they howled and acclaimed me passer of the next round of aguardiente, for i had "won the right." and pouring and passing aguardiente, sammy, seemed to win me even higher membership than crossing the bridge. in a few minutes Robinson said it was universally agreed, the whole town was "enamored" of me. the Spanish word usually meant ‘fallen in love’. i’d been a convert to Santisima Cruz since morning, but with this, whatever scrooge was left in me suddenly turned to mush, and i was puddy, an all-out, mindless Santisima Cruz zealot.

 

and that lasted until just a little while ago, at breakfast.

 

 

 

 

 

65.  HOW TO MILK FOR ALL IT’S WORTH, ONE OF THE BIGGEST, BEST, HOLIEST, MOST SOUL-SAVING RITUAL DRUNKEN BACCHANALS OF ALL HISTORY.

 

after each round of aguardiente the Pescador would pass peeled and salted quarter-limes, an interesting variation on the usual Pepsi chaser. you took one and squeezed it mid-air above your wide open mouth, letting the cold sour lime and salt wash down the warm sweet anise. then you sucked on the actual bittersweet lime fruit to finish the gesture. i loved this ritual beyond words. what it seemed to stand for at the moment was bigger than life itself. i could not in a string of lifetimes have found words for it.

 

Yazmín emerged from her front door at 4:30. i had no idea what time it was, but yesterday Robbie said it was 4:30 A.M. when she came out. sitting there by the caño, i was so intoxicated by Santisima Cruz and its young men i'd forgotten a thing like a wrist watch existed, let alone was on my arm. i was rocking to the beat of slow sad crooning Mexican ballads, rocking right and left. others rocked too as if agreeing, and here came Yazmín and called Robinson, who rushed to counsel with her. they decided something and he sat down. after a half hour he led me inside.

 

the rest of the boys went on drinking and brawling forever, i think, as in authentic heavenly bacchanalian and dionysian realms. or at least until i ran into them at separate points yesterday and today, in earthly form, back here on the planet, and saw their smiles under regular conditions.

 

i was dizzy and nauseated by the time i got to the hammock. i crawled in drunk, in my clothes, trying desperately to stop it swinging. Yazmín and Angel breathed heavily on their separate board cots below and to the side of me, once or twice, and i passed out.

 

when i tried to get up, yesterday morning at 10, i vomited in the baño, suffered diarrhea, and refused anything but a glass of water. i climbed back in the hammock and slept through Sunday masses, which i'd spent half of Saturday trying to borrow long pants for. finally i got up at 1 PM and took more aspirin, refused food and asked for Sunday soup, but it was all eaten. despite that and the hangover, the world seemed a better place, full of grace i didn't merit.

 

until reality hit a while ago in the form of guerrillas, sammy.

 

now my paranoia is back, and i don't like paranoia any more.

 

what happened to getting away from everything and everybody?

 

 

 

 

 

66.  REFLECT CAREFULLY. THEN SEE FIT TO DISMISS PARANOIA ONCE AND FOR ALL AS A DISTINCT NUISANCE IN PARADISE, AGAINST BETTER JUDGMENT EVEN.

 

a big event just occurred on the camino which had all the neighbors from four houses laughing and conferring. Boca Negra slunk through the house and out the front door, territory proscribed to her-him because he-she is so foul-natured. in sight of the whole neighborhood, he attacked a smaller dog for no apparent reason, pinned it on its back and was taking a chunk out of its belly when a kid playing soccer chased him off. the little dog raised a royal piping fuss, acted like it was nigh unto death, though no blood was visible, and went around in a circle squealing hysterically before it stumbled its way up to its own front door, the house on the left where the Pescador lives, tail between legs. echoing wails could be heard inside the house for a minute before it presumably gave its last sigh and keeled over on the mud floor, dead from sheer dread.

 

 Yazmín's dog, 2 little
              girls on camino, the canal, and the neighborhood men's
              bench

Boca Negra (Blackmouth)

 

dog owners got out no guns to shoot each other as they might have at home. they called no attorneys to do their shooting for them. most people have no phone here, no attorney, no gun that i’m aware of. instead the neighbors looked at me and laughed, bewildered as i was, and this made me laugh.

 

i don't like being paranoid, sammy, about peace-loving civilized people who are gentler and kinder than i am. what have they done that i should distrust them?

 

through everything, Omar's horse has stood calmly tied to the tree, watching its reflection in the canal, unfazed by soccer balls bouncing off its belly, canal-diving boys at its nose, squealing pigs and dying dogs at its heels. this too seems funny. it's just one more joke on me. i should be as trusting, calm and centered as Omar's horse.

 

it's hard to say who is whose audience. every time i find something funny, like a soccer ball hitting the horse's head, or a boy announcing his upcoming plunge, i laugh and the people on the bench laugh with me. seeing themselves through my eyes, they realize they're funnier than they'd thought. maybe that's why they like me, sammy – because i like them.

 

what is my problem, anyway? why do i have to be so suspicious? why worry myself about simple, fun-loving people who like life?

 

now Egidio, one of the milk boys, comes by to take me on a walk to the outskirts of town.

 

 

 

 

 

67.  HONOR A SAINT'S PARADISE WHEN YOU FIND ONE, GUERRILLAS, PARAMILITARIES, WHATEVER!

 

later, in the back patio.

 

boy on brick farmhouse roof
              picking guava from overhanging tree 

picking guava from the finca rooftop

 

yes – it's 5:40, time for mosquitoes, and i've gotten to see where the milk comes from. one of the milk boys, Egidio, took me to see where he works, and to visit a friend. i got to eat a guayaba (guava) and something else a lot like a guayaba, each straight off its own tree, then drank the milk of a coconut they shinnied up to machete from a coconut palm. we ate the pulp with a big soup spoon, all thanks to the owner of that finca, the informal word for any decent-sized farm, ranch or hacienda here.

 

barefoot teen atop ladder in
              coconut tree seen from below 

coconuts are picked barefoot in Santisima Cruz
"we ate the pulp with a big soup spoon"

 

only a half block behind us begins countryside. some of the houses on the far side of the street behind our house are the fronts of farms or little ranches. on the friend's finca they had all the usual animals you see all over town plus a huge colorfully plumed turkey, an enormous pig ripe for slaughter, and a small herd of cattle.

 

3-4 year old naked boy
              handles a pig that comes up to his shoulders in dirt
              farmyard, cattle in pen behind 

“an enormous pig ripe for slaughter”

 

the finca where Egidio works had about the same. that's where the milk comes from, i presume, which is sold at their house. everything, sammy, is just as simple and blissful as could be.

 

 2 mischievous boys and a
              small herd of big-eared yearlings

“a small herd of cattle” (or a herd of small cattle)

 

Egidio's brother turned up out there, in bare feet and no shirt, driving a herd of milk cows with a stick and a friend. he pulled out a slingshot and hit an iguana in a tree, but we never got it down to take home for dinner.

 

it's the garden of Eden, sammy, guerrillas and all.

 

a family of turkeys and three
              barefoot men wend through colorful riverside houses and
              boats at sunset 

“a huge colorfully plumed turkey”

 

earlier today, Robinson bought a canary to take home to Caridad, his famous girlfriend in New Yorkand just now the Pescador leaned over the wall between his back patio and ours to ask about the canary, showing how familiar we’ve become in only three days, and proving further his interest, like St. Francis', in birds and fishes and turtles and such like.  

 

earlier, out in front of the house, the Pescador told me that the bird in the cage Robinson was looking at was 'married'.[13]  i'd already asked him if he wanted to be a priest, since he hung out with the priests, and that thought, or something else, threw off the discussion that followed.

 

"No," he had grinned.

 

"You don't want to give up women?"

 

"Oh," he said pleasantly, "I'm too young for that, there's plenty of time to think about it."

 

no woman-resenting neurotic gringo DOOD was going to ruffle him, sammy. he was a well-adjusted young man.

 

then he talked about a ring, and i saw a ring on his finger and didn't understand who was married to whom. i said, "You mean you and the bird are married?" but i didn't say "the bird," i said "he", when in Spanish it should have been "she", then realized my error.

 

the Pescador didn't have a neurotic bone in his body, however. if he noticed this faux pas, he didn't care, and we proceeded.

 

the whole world must not be as paranoid as i am, i guess.

 

far from ditching such a fool as i, he went in his house next door and brought back what i assumed must have been the best book he had in the house, a single-volume encyclopedia published in 1971, including a dictionary section translating several languages into Spanish. he opened the encyclopedia part and showed me that it described Denver benignly as the capital of Colorado, situated on the plains at the base of the Rocky Mountains. the Latin world’s knowledge of Colorado was as limited as mine used to be about Colombia.

 

i started to tell you, sammy, that when Pescador, whose name i've learned is actually Pedro, not Pablo or Pescador or Barber-Fisherman, leaned over the back patio wall a little while ago, Boca Negra leapt, no flew up the wall and took a big chomp out of the air in front of his face. Pedro wasn't moved in the least! he didn’t even blink. after all, he loved and forgave all God's creatures, even if he trapped and ate some. all he did was smile, genuinely happy, asking me questions about Robbie's new canary, and he disappeared again back inside his house. from time to time i could see his curly black St. Francis head moving happily above the wall.

 

it's a saint's paradise, sammy.

 

i just don’t get how guerrillas fit in.

 

 

 

 

 

68.  WHEN SAYING GOOD-BYE TO PARADISE AND ITS PERMANENT RESIDENTS, DON'T GO ON ABOUT CASTLES AND DE-BOMB UNITS IN JACKSON HEIGHTS.

 

Victoria and Gustavo are here to talk awhile and say good-bye. we're all at the table in the patio-kitchen out back. it's warm, friendly and romantic. Robbie, though not a citizen of the U.S. quite yet,[14] launches into praise of his life there, lauding the constitution which protects him from violations of his rights, like discrimination against a golden rose-brown color, religion or whatever. he lauds the laws and welfare system, which allow his girlfriend to become legal by marrying a transplanted Cocalander already legal in the states, paying him for it while having his child; and since that man, of course, has left her – the marriage having been utilitarian – New York State supports her while she stays home with the child. perfect world, according to Robbie. everyone listens politely and asks questions.

 

this helps me realize, sammy, that our country, despite its often unhelpful attitude toward the third world, helps Colombians in its own backward-ass ignorant way, where it matters most, at the grass roots. since the state of New York supports Robbie's Colombian girlfriend and her child with welfare, she can afford to give Robbie room and board for a pittance, leaving him free to send most tips from Gallagher's straight to Yazmín for concrete embankment, housing, rice, and hospital bills. it’s a happier approach to third world poverty than sending insensitive DEA agents to rearrange internal Colombian politics. it's smarter than paying the Colombian government to burn people's crops, meaning coca crops, leaving peasant farmers without money to buy food for their children. that turns large numbers of countryside peasants against the U.S., and against democratic, so-called 'free-market', capitalism, making them fodder for guerrillas. what's ‘free’-market about burning people's crops? what's democratic about it?

 

Robbie’s in a rare mood saying good-bye. (we really are leaving, i’m forced to remember.) he’s the center of attention at Yazmín’s table, joking, pulling everyone's leg, getting in affectionate licks. he’s on a riotous Robbie Rivera roll. he plays mind-fuck at such times. the bigger the audience the better. he’s bound to get to me eventually, and does finally. he invites me back in December, publicly, asking me in English what i'll buy Gustavo for a wedding present.

 

he doesn’t ask if i'm too paranoid to come. that wouldn’t be funny enough for a goodbye party.

 

months in advance of the wedding, he has started the celebrating already. they should come get me in Cartagena in December, he says in Spanish, and personally escort me back here. meaning him too.

 

now he puts Gustavo up to asking me if i fucked a burro on my walk to the countryside today. he convinces 20-year-old Colombian back-country Gustavo i won't understand the question. "He doesn't understand anything in Spanish," says Robbie.

 

Gustavo and i talked all evening long in Spanish yesterday, so he knows better; but Robbie is Gustavo’s superior at the moment. he’s older and has the honor of being a gringo guest. plus it’s a jest, and anything goes at a Cocaland party, especially a jest. Gustavo is old enough at twenty to marry, and to talk coolly in front of his mother, Victoria, or anyone, about local guys fucking burros when they’re kids, ‘just for practice’.

 

with good humor and poise Gustavo turns to me and asks sincerely, "Did you fuck a burra on your walk today?"

 

i blurt, "Ai! I'm not like RawBEANsawn!" and this scores more points with the neighborhood than EVER, luckily.

 

gauche as i am by nature at times, sammy, around here i somehow manage to escape offending everybody. no thanks to me, i'm sure. it's their endearing trait. no matter how crude or inappropriate i get, no matter how insipid, hurt, pissed or hysterical, they deign to overlook it magnanimously. they've forgiven a lot already. the stupid eccentric in me that i loathe because his polluted misanthropic character leaks out everywhere, all the time, they've somehow managed to love and think funny. and i appreciate that, believe me.

 

thinking about what i would give Gustavo for his wedding i ask him if he wants to learn English.

 

"No," he says.

 

"Why not?" i ask, taken aback.

 

He says – in English, "Already I study in school."

 

Robinson goes on and on about the heavenly superiority of the USA, and they're all long-winded stories.

 

finally, after waiting politely for a long story to end, Gustavo says in Spanish, "Yes, but the U.S. is a 'translated'" – or ‘transcendent’ – or some word seeming to mean developed – "country, and Colombia is an underdeveloped country."

 

this doesn't stop Robbie, who forgets that enough should be enough. "You can call a phone number," he raves, "and say someone has planted a bomb, and in five minutes the police will be at your house, plus an ambulance and de-bomb unit! and they can't enter your house without permission, because in the USA a man's house is his castle!"

 

why he goes on about de-bomb units and castles i don't know. a bombing occurred in Jackson Heights maybe. bizarre things happen in New York City every minute, especially in Colombian neighborhoods. and what's so wonderful about being bombed in your own home in the United States, calling the police and they can’t get in to rescue you because your house is your castle? it didn’t make ME proud, sammy. i write it down stone-faced, to interrogate him later when we're alone. Victoria and Gustavo continue to listen politely, forever good-naturedly and without comment, keeping their guerrilla politics to themselves.

 

"Are you writing a novel?" Gustavo asks, because i write whenever i lose track of the conversation, which is frequently.

 

"Sort of," i say. "It's more like a diary of my trip."

 

they seem satisfied. they don’t show any particular emotion other than the ongoing pleasantness deemed appropriate for the special occasion of our leaving in the very early morning.

 

it's a diary of what i think is happening, sammy, of what's happening for me, at least. even if it's not happening that way for anybody else.

 

finally they get up to leave and Robinson heads toward the door with them. it's dark and has been for hours. it's night, i notice for the first time, and they're ALL going out somewhere. i feel left out, like this morning.

 

"Are you going out?" i ask in a disgustingly needy tone.

 

robbie says he'll be right back.

 

 

 

 

 

69.  IF THE GOOD-BYE FEELS APOCALYPTIC, IT IS APOCALYPTIC.  FOR YOU!

 

he is right back, with something croaking under one arm that i can't see in the semi-darkness of the sala, where i've moved for light to write.

 

"Did they give you a pig?" i ask.

 

"No, a chicken."

 

carrying a rooster by the left
              wing, a young woman in neat new jeans shorts suit heads
              from Santisima Cruz' twice-weekly main plaza market down
              the dock steps for a chalupa to her home village 

“something croaking under one arm"
carrying her purchase by the wing, a young woman heads away from Santisima Cruz' twice-weekly main-plaza market
down the town's dock steps to catch a chalupa back home

 

i feel like crying again, sammy. how can they give that much, when they have so little? and to think i've given nothing but a business card showing nothing but my useless ugly Denver office address; and eight hundred Colombian pesos worth one measly dollar. i don't even thank them by speaking their language well, or explaining properly our country's bossy nervy intrusion into their country’s affairs.

 

this can't be my last sight of the boys of Santisima Cruz. they need me and i need them. they have questions. i can do research. i can read TIME magazine. i can get the Sunday New York Times delivered to my door in Denver. i'll read books on Colombia from the Denver Public Library. i'll subscribe to El Espectador by mail. i'll track it down on the internet.

 

i want things from them, too, when i come back in December. i want to hunt turtles with Pedro. i want to ride a horse to Ibrahim's school. i want to attend Gustavo's wedding. everything about this friendship feels unfinished.

 

as for guerrillas, i'm not going to worry about them. worry depresses me. depression worsens my health. guerrillas can't be the threat i imagine. tour books say next to nothing about them. i think i made up the notion they kidnap U.S. Americans. i picked up that misconception in the states, along with many wrong ideas about Colombia, sammy. you've seen before how easily i get paranoid.

 

when you finally find paradise after a lifetime looking for it, it's your own fault if you don't enjoy it.

 

in some ways Gustavo is more spectacular than his older brother. he's everything as Ibrahim, but with the heat turned down.  he's more serious, with bushier eyebrows, and grows on you more slowly than ibrahim. several times last night at his birthday party and tonight, i've felt him looking at me openly, an apparently acceptable act here between men. i met his dark friendly eyes to acknowledge him.

 

i'm not sure what we're all trying to say to each other, sammy, but it feels bigger than a trip to the Colombian hinterland. it feels as if, according to some supra-human plan, we are saving the world at the last second, before it destroys itself. by our affection, we are un-doing the perfectly SERIOUS prophecy made by U.S. America's most obstreperous poet, Allen Ginsberg, that the world would end in a hundred years. i’ve been impacted by that serious prophecy, Sammy. i’ve believed it. it has felt right to me. i can't explain HOW we're undoing it. maybe we're not. but it feels like we are undoing it. i don’t know how else to explain the feeling that every move any of us makes is larger than itself.

 

like when Egidio brought me back to the house. after our walk to the countryside, he went to the caño to wash mud off the rubber boots he'd lent me for walking the mucky path with him outside town. i felt worn out and wanted to write, so told him good-bye and thanks. i felt bad about parting so abruptly, like maybe i owed him more attention or something. we weren’t finished. there was more for us to do together in this lifetime. that’s how it felt.

 

 2 men ride loaded horses into
              Santisima Cruz from the countryside

“only a half block behind us begins countryside”

the dirt horse and burro path to Quitasueño and a hundred other remote paradisal villages
starts here in Santisima Cruz

 

a half hour later he was back, as if feeling the same. he sat down in our back patio, on a high-back chair at the table where i was writing. Rosana served us dinner and i offered him some more. he hung around for awhile and left quietly without a good-bye, maybe feeling as deeply as i, too deeply to talk.

 

as for the good-bye with Ibrahim, the last time i saw him earlier today, he was not driving by indifferently on his dirt bike, for once. a motor launch had gone by toward the left, up-canal, and i'd missed it; i was so occupied with the fisherman Pedro, and his one-volume encyclopedia. Pedro said, "Look out in the water."  there was Ibrahim, apparently trying to get my attention the whole time he'd been sailing up the caño, to go teach math to the campesino kids. he was standing up in his flat-bottomed boat, still waving at me from a half-block away, about to pass under the high concrete footbridge like a mythical young god and disappear forever. i hailed him from that far away.

 

as for Hernando, he never did show up today to take me to buy vallenato cassettes. i understand he never returned to the party last night either. however, i noticed that one of the really dark straight-haired Native-American-looking kids he'd brought with him to the party, was kicking a soccer ball at the base of the arched stone footbridge as Egidio and i passed Victoria's this afternoon. i heard him tell another kid i was a ‘gringo’. there was something fresh and attention-getting about his tone, so i turned around several times to acknowledge the kid and he looked at me to acknowledge my acknowledging him.

 

who knows where all this will lead, sammy? i'm so filled with emotion that i'm growing cold in order to protect myself, and putting off till later trying to understand what has happened.

 

 

 

 

 

70.  WHEN IT’S ALL OVER, PONDER PARADISE AND YOURSELF.

 

Santisima Cruz is the only piece of earth i've felt drawn to in recent years, which means i need to give it thought. maybe Robbie's right. he often knows me better than i know myself, like you. maybe i should buy his mother's house. it might work as a place to live and close out accounts. there are some drawbacks, i'll admit. guerrillas are one, but i lack information and tend to jump to negative conclusions.

 

there's the problem of dying here, too, and i’ve gotten a paranoid picture of how it could be. if people left me alone to die in peace, there'd be no decent hospital to do it in. doctors wouldn't speak English. they wouldn't understand me or HIV, which could kill them. once they grasped the diagnosis, they might protect the town and put me away with a gun or pig-butchering knife. if they spared me, they'd kick me around like a dog, thinking i got it from sex with a guy. isn't that how gringo men usually get HIV? it isn't the whole story, sammy, you and i know that, but half the world thinks that way by now. everybody seems to forget about needle-sharing.

 

when you're about to kick the bucket, it makes no sense to worry what people will think, yet i do.

 

on the other hand, it's paranoid and i’m trying to not indulge paranoia.

 

i take advantage of the two very weak and shadeless light bulbs hanging from the ceiling in the sala, and write a little more before we do whatever we're doing tonight. i need to occupy my mind and forget i'm leaving paradise, not certain i’ll return – since the future is always uncertain.

 

Angel ties a cord to the chicken's leg and ties the other end to the table under the water urn in the next room, the little storage area between the sala and the back patio. the chicken tries to run. it reaches the length of its leash and croaks, crashing over onto the dirt floor of the supply room.

 

it wants to do its thing, sammy, like every living being, like me. i get so far then fall on my face, each time more tied up than ever.

 

Rosana's three-year-old is still up with her daddy, Omar, and thinks it's all very funny.

 

 three year old with sweet
              smile stands on chair holding her pretty flowered skirt

“Rosana’s three-year-old is still up with her Daddy, Omar

and thinks it’s all very funny”

 





71.  PONDER DARK MOMENTS AND LIGHT.

 

10:45 PM now. we leave at 4:30 AM. i have a feeling we won't go out any more tonight, but i can't tell. the whole trip's been nothing but huge surprises.

 

like my life.

 

who would have guessed saying hello to a kid in Collins Park in '81 would lead to this in '94?

 

no matter how dark it ever got, sammy, something always came along to brighten things up. i never like to wait, that's the problem. i’m spoiled and want things fixed NOW, like many gringos. things were dark when i met robbie, thirteen years ago. i’d lost my two kids. i thought i would never recover, because recovery wasn’t happening fast enough for me. i STILL haven't recovered in some ways maybe. i still avoid women. i'm not proud of it, but can you blame me?

 

anyway, Robbie came along. he helped me forget. the pattern of darkness and light repeated over and over after that. something good would always come along to brighten things up. but every time, i forgot to believe it would happen. despair set in. my two years with you and racer were the time it took to brighten me up again.

 

i’ve never learned how to get past despair on my own, sammy. even when a guru showed me how to turn darkness to light, literally, i didn't practice it. i’ve always depended on other people to cheer me up, and still do.

 

another dark time, though not nearly as bad as the kidnapping, was several years ago when i didn't call Robbie for a couple of years and thought the friendship was over. i was mad. i'd lent him $400 to send to one of his sisters ‘for a complicated miscarriage’. month after month went by and he failed to repay the loan. year after year. finally he sent twenty-five dollars.  then nothing, though he had promised to make monthly payments of 25. i got mad and cut off contact.

 

in the end i forgave him, though, because except for this one event, he showed more consistent commitment to our friendship than i did. every few months he'd call to check on me. his caring grew on me. i gradually became convinced the caring was real because it endured over time, regardless of rifts. so it grew on me again as it had in the past, until i decided to forgive the debt. soon after this he invited me to Colombia.

 

 

 

 

 

72.  LET THE MIND STRAY.

 

Rosana says they hardly heard us Saturday night partying between 2 and 5 AM in the street. it's the custom for boys and men of the town to party in the street all night on weekends. there's no place for them to go, says Yazmín. no bars. no night clubs.

 

it's a good thing they don't have money, say i, or they'd all be alcoholics. if i hadn't been there with money, they might not have drunk so much Saturday night. the boys hit me up for pesos again and again, sammy, running off to buy more aquardiente and Medellín rum, running back with big beaming smiles and bottles.

 

a cynic might say booze was the only reason they hung out around me. but i don’t think so. it’s been too profoundly moving to have been just that.

 

everybody's packing now. Robinson finishes his shower and sits down to talk with his sister and mother as if he forgets we're going out. he asks me if we are.

 

"If you want," i say.

 

it's his family. his hometown.

 

he continues sitting, swatting mosquitoes on his back and legs using a T-shirt, nothing said about going out 'for a drink'. again he looks at me as if just remembering something. but i'm tired and no longer care. plus, i don't like good-byes.

 

late Colombian news comes on TV. bicycle races. stuff about ClintonU.S. troops in Haitii don't understand the Spanish, as usual.

 

the chemical smell of mosquito spray bothers me as it rises off my body mixed with sweat. i showered after supper, but was soon sticky again.

 

cocks crow in the distance. crickets and cicadas chirp, a presence i hadn't noticed before.

 

what else will i notice in December? will it be good, or bad?

 

 

 

 

 

73.  THEN THINK OF JUST ONE GOOD THING ABOUT YOURSELF.

 

Rosana expresses herself strongly. she could care less if she doesn't have a father. i think what she means is, she's not about to use not having a father as an excuse for failure, as someone else in the family has, or might.

 

Robinson says he loves his sisters equally, no matter what they've done. it occurs to me that from having no standing in his family when he left years ago, he has gone to being the father they never had.

 

then i remember i've been his father for the last thirteen years, something he had never had before. maybe it helped him in the U.S. maybe it's why he's such a father now to his huge family, and to their neighbors. as he gets older he turns from a bobo, the idiot clown he was when i met him, into a serious caring godfather. there isn't anyone in the family he hasn't helped, sammy. Angel says this very house used to be stick and daub like the houses we saw down at the river yesterday when we toured the town. but recently Robbie has been sending money. little by little, over two years, they've rebuilt the house into its present two bedrooms, sala, and storage room. now instead of mud and sticks, the walls are unpainted concrete and rough brick, aerated by shapely holes built into the design. the floors are packed dry mud, except one, the sala, which is smooth bare concrete.


every time we do anything i hear of one more person Robbie has helped, even outside the family. today i learned that his tips from Gallagher's built the concrete retaining wall out front, up and down the caño, to keep water out of houses and preserve the bank for bench sitting, fishing, Bible reading and diving. he sacrificed to do it too, sometimes working two jobs.

 

 

 

 

 

74.  AND THINK OF THE VAST, PEOPLED PARADISAL COUNTRYSIDE AROUND YOU.

 

i keep thinking we'll get to see Ibrahim tonight, since he didn't come by earlier. but then i remember he always goes out to the country and stays all week, returning to Santisima Cruz only for weekends. when he left for the countryside this morning waving from the boat, it was for good, in other words. i can’t see him unless i come back in December.

 

and where has he gone? the countryside in this area is highly populated, apparently, with villages everywhere, one of which has a market day bigger than Santisima Cruz's. i heard Pedro the Pescador listing the towns he knows from his walks in the countryside to find turtles and canaries. he named twenty or thirty.

 

Angel called some of the villages caseríos. houses on rivers, maybe it means.[15]  there are no roads to these towns, sammy, no cars or trucks in river country. towns and farms are reached by boat, animal back, or shanks' mare. between the towns lie fincas or haciendaseverything's as simple and ancient as can be.

 

even at the finca we visited today, the floors were dirt, the ‘bathroom’ was outside, and the baby ran naked as day one, scampering with the pigs and chickens and dogs, happy as a lark.

 

something tells me Hernando's home out there in the country is nicer, like a traditional country estate or hacienda, wealthy and stolid, dominating the countryside with purple bougainvilleaed walls and campesino workers in white muslin.

 

it’s too bad they have to pay guerrillas to leave them in peace.

 

the guerrillas might be doing something nice with the money though.

 

like paying Ibrahim to teach.

 

 

 

 

 

75.  AND OF HOW THE LOCALS LOOK AT YOU, AND WHAT IT MEANS.

 

looking at the TV just now, sammy, i realize many of the men of this country look at each other directly in the eye, inches from the other's face, and speak warmly. maybe this is what has knocked me off my foundation, starting with Chalo, right through the weekend in Santisima Cruz.

 

 

 

 

 

76.  AND HOW THEY STUDY SURVIVAL MORE THAN YOU DO, AND GRASP LIFE BETTER, NOT LETTING IT ‘FREAK THEM OUT’.

 

Robinson tries to help his family with the most basic things. they can't figure out how to get in the house when one goes out and the others lock themselves in, asleep, keeping the one and only key inside.

 

Angel told me as we entered the town the first day that "all the doors are open." that was one of his proofs that the town was sano, or healthy.

 

yet at night they're closed. Yazmín's is locked. and she, for one, worries about safety. she keeps a foul watchdog and fences off the front door at times during the day, either to stop Boca Negra or to keep pigs and burros – or maybe people – from climbing the steps and walking right in. she bars the door late at night with a huge log and worries about me when i'm out late for some reason. last night she sent Omar Jr. to hunt for me. at my age i had to come back from Gustavo's birthday party around nine, explain myself and ask to stay out longer.

 

what does this mean in guerrilla country?

 

 

 

 

 

77.  SLEEP, DREAMING OF THE LITTLE STREET URCHIN GUIDE YOU HOPE TO SEE TOMORROW.

 

and now i'm going to bed. i've given up on Robbie's going out. i don't care. i don't want to be tired all day tomorrow during the trip back, or so exhausted when we get to Cartagena i don't feel like finding Chalo.

 

i want to stop worrying about Santisima Cruz, sammy, and party a little, tomfool with that kid like we did before. we had fun.

 

i only have a few days left.

 

at dusk a man and a boy
              paddle a loaded dugout canoe past a single thatched
              countryside house surrounded by high water and beautiful
              vegetation 

“think of the vast, peopled paradisal countryside around you

at dusk a man and a boy paddle a loaded dugout canoe
past a single thatched countryside house near Santisima Cruz
surrounded by high water and beautiful lush vegetation



[1]  ‘Aleluia, aleluia, gloria a Dios’ = ‘Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Glory to God’. In some Spanish-speaking congregations it is customary to say this after reading a scripture passage.

 

[2]  The Dr. may have been wrong about this being from the book of Revelation. The story of God’s cursing the earth as a result of man’s disobedient eating of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil (in the paradisal Garden of Eden) is told in the first book of the Bible, the book of Genesis. See the Frontispiece of the present work for a quotation from Genesis regarding God’s cursing the earth because of the disobedient first man and woman. Or: if the Bible-reader was reading from Revelation, it may have been from Rev. 22:3, which anticipates and describes the eventual undoing, by Christ, of the ‘curse’ laid down by God in Genesis.

 

[3]  For a picture of Ibrahim see end of “Outline.”

 

[4]  ‘Toothless Tio’ can be seen in a picture in subsection 51, in the diary entry for Saturday October 8.

 

[5]  Sincelejo is the capital of the state (or ‘departamento’) of Sucre, the same state in which Santisima Cruz lies; but, to get there El Pescador would have had to take a two-hour motor launch to Magangué and then catch a bus ride for 60 miles (a hundred kilometers) through Sincé and Corozal. It could never have been a daily commute, or probably even a weekly one, for money and time reasons both. All because of Santisima Cruz' extremely remote location.

 

[6]  See the photo of Ibrahim at the end of the Outline.

 

[7]  Where were all of these pictures?  At one point when Sammy Martinez and his editorial staff were working in New Mexico on re-publishing Hooked on Cocaland online at the present website, namely in late 2014 and early 2015, all of the Dr.’s photos, papers and books pertaining to his first trip to Colombia were locked up tightly in metal cabinets and hard vinyl storage trunks inside a heavily locked and booby-trapped 6-room house in Mexico (with the Dr.’s small outside Mexican patio garden being cared for by Judith, young Hechizo’s widow) in a tiny traditional village outside Morelia, Michoácan, all of it inaccessible to any smart gringo who wanted to live in this world peaceably, as the Dr. did, and so had moved to a less chaotic country, back to the USA: due to the kidnappings, extortions, dismemberments and decapitations being perpetrated by cartels and maybe by local Mexican police, federales (federal police), vigilantes and other barbarians throughout the Mexican state of Michoacán; all of this precipitated by a struggle for control of the illegal drug production and trafficking.  As of the present, the fall of 2016, in Mexico for years the exasperatingly ineffective federal strategy has been to capture the capos (the jefes, the very top dogs in the cartels) one by one, by paying a cartel underling hundreds of thousands of dollars as reward for ratting out his boss to the government, so that the underling could take over the cartel (but henceforth, hopefully, under the thumb of the government, who probably wanted a cut in some form).  Once, if ever, the state of Michoacán calmed down from these mafia vs mafia vs government vs vigilante wars, and the Dr. could retrieve his personal possessions from his house finally, many wonderfully beautiful photos could be added to the present website, theoretically.  But in 2014-15 it felt like it might be years before it would become safe enough.  The government strategy was exasperatingly stupid because every time an underling ratted out a jefe, chaos descended upon that particular cartel, and then also upon the geographic region of Mexico in which that cartel was operating.  That entire region of the wonderful country of Mexico would fall into nerve-shaking chaos and unthinkable forms of violence for months or years, affecting the entire population, until a new chief was established – but the peace would last only until the next ratting-out in exchange for government reward.  And yet the Mexicans who came up with such bananas strategies, all of whom one might have hoped must have matured into adulthood with a fair amount of street sense, as most normal Mexicans do, seemed unable to see the hopelessness of such a strategy, or the destruction it wrought upon their very own Mexican society and commerce, including their own families and friends: on the very body, soul and mind of the Mexican raza (race), in short.  At any rate, things eventually quieted down enough that the Dr. could return to his Mexican house in June of 2015, so that photos he took during his trips to Colombia could be added to this 'look' at Hooked on Cocaland, along with a lot of other material.

 

[8]  The Monroe Doctrine stated that the USA would not allow European nations to interfere in the internal affairs of countries ANYWHERE IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE; and that the USA itself would interfere in a Latin American country only if that country were threatened by a European nation, because the USA would consider that to be a threat to its own peace and stability.  It was really President Teddy Roosevelt’s ‘Corollary to the Monroe Doctrine’ which added to this the looser principle by which the USA in the 20th century began 'interfering' more and more in the internal affairs of Latin American countries, for more and more varied and selfish – and morally questionable – reasons, regardless of whether European nations were involved or not.

 

[9]  The Dr. explained to Sammy Martinez that his own translation of the DEA official’s newly invented term ‘narcodemocracy’ would have been ‘a country whose government was set up as a democracy, but whose economy was based heavily on the illegal cultivation, manufacture and exportation of illegal mafia drugs’.  But only an expert in interpreting Spanish language phrases in Colombia could have said for certain whether Hernando’s interpretation of the Spanish translation (narcodemocracia) of the DEA agent’s invented word ‘narcodemocracy’ would have been a standard or acceptable interpretation in Colombia.  If it had been, then the DEA official should not have used the term, or course.  But, more than likely, before using it he consulted no Colombians as to its usefulness, accuracy, or even exact meaning once translated as such.  Later the Dr. said he had discovered from reading another book that the insulting English label ‘narcodemocracy’ had been invented perhaps not by the DEA agent, but by John Kerry, a U.S. senator who began using the term in mid-1994 to describe Colombia.  (See In Focus: Colombia: A Guide to the People, Politics and Culture, by Colin Harding, page 35.)

 

[10]  President Clinton ordered troops into Haiti in 1994 to restore to power the democratically elected President, Aristide, three years after he had been deposed by a Haitian military coup. Ostensibly Clinton’s purpose was to restore democracy; but there may have been other less talked-about reasons, as there often have been whenever the U.S. has intervened (or 'interfered', as Hernando put it) in the internal affairs of other countries. Often those other reasons have been economic, usually meaning U.S. American ‘big business’ concerns; and/or geopolitical, perhaps 'regional stability'; but especially to prevent the insidious spread of anything that smacked of ‘communism’, which most Americans for most of the 20th century felt was anti-God, anti-democracy, and anti-free-market, all of which were contrary to the biggest principles that have defined the USA since 1776. Other countries may have the same principles as the Americans, the main difference being, ever since World War II, that the U. S. Americans are quicker than their allies to go to war over their principles, to avoid being almost done in, as in that war, by the now outdated USA tendency toward isolationism.

 

[11]  Such a ‘dark’ way of looking at potential human ‘progress’, including the conviction that outer forces such as governments or human groups or material gains could never bring about any kind of real and true lasting INNER peace, had resulted from mj’s exposure to his friend Joey’s spiritual guide, Guru Garland of India, in the 70s and 80s. The Dr. presented the view in some detail in his fourth book, starting in Chapter 3 of Mrs. Nixon’s Legs. His 1992-4 depression-induced psychosis had interfered for two years with his ability to tap into this kind of ‘spiritual’ (‘inner’) resource, or any other; and so Sammy would have been happy to read these words when the Dr. eventually brought home the diary. It was one more proof his friend mj was finally recovering from one of the worst depressions of his life. (Joey’s guru, Guru Garland, offered a way to combat the darkness of the outer world with a combination of one’s own personal and inner resources, including [but not limited to] feelings of affection for the guru, and four kinds of meditation that required careful instruction to practice properly.) For a broader picture of such a guru, see: The Living Master: quotes from Guru Maharaj Ji, Denver, Colorado: Divine Light Mission, Inc., 1978 (see Bibliography). Another point of access to this kind of teaching (which anchored and consoled mj lorenzo in difficult times at least as much as the Christian faith he had learned from his parents) would be the website for The Prem Rawat Foundation,  www.tprf.org  . Once at the site, click on ‘Directory’ and then on ‘Videos’ and watch any of the videos where the guru talks about ‘Peace’, such as ‘Peace is Within’ or ‘Peace is a feeling’, etc. Currently (October 25, 2014), for example, there are videos of the guru (Prem Rawat) speaking at educational institutions in Norway and Moscow, speaking and receiving an award in Malaysia, and speaking to imprisoned women in Buenos Aires, Argentina.  Usually at this site there are links to many more videos, and to written material.

 

[12]  Pilgrim’s Progress, an allegory (of the life of a Christian in this morally mucky world) written by an ardent English Calvinist-Baptist Puritan, John Bunyan, was published in England in 1678. It was, as the Encyclopedia Britannica describes, “...the book that was the most characteristic expression of the [Calvinist] Puritan religious outlook.” It was an allegorically novelized portrayal of Calvinist theology and worldview, the story of a Calvinist's obstacle-ridden trek through this world.  Accordingly, it profoundly inspired for generations many of the persecuted extremist Protestants that first colonized the English settlements in North America. Dr. Lorenzo was raised on the book, a fact which reveals a great deal about just exactly what kind of parents and ancestors brought the Dr. into the world, and with what kind of (Calvinist) upbringing they did so. For a period of months or years (during the 1940s or early 50s), whenever the Bible itself was not the chosen reading at the kitchen table after dinner, mj’s Calvinist-Methodist preacher father, Rev Lorenzo, would read from Pilgrim’s Progress, for the edification of parents and children. Those were the only two options for nightly after-dinner family reading. (See Encyclopedia Britannica 2008 Ultimate Reference Suite, article entitled “John Bunyan.”) Along with other stories, Dr. Lorenzo tells the story of his youthfult struggle to sort out bad from good in his strict Calvinist background, in his first book, The Remaking.

 

[13]  Much later, after years of reflection, it suddenly occurred to Dr. Lorenzo one day, as he explained to Sammy Martinez in 2014, that ‘the young fisherman’ had been using the word cazado, not casado. They sounded identical. In other words, if the bird had been ‘cazado’, it had been ‘hunted’ or ‘trapped’. If it had been ‘casado’, it had been married. And the Dr., as in so many other instances during this trip to Colombia, heard the wrong word and meaning, and took off with it into the wild blue yonder, forever thereafter (until 2014) deluded by his own deficient education as to what the heck was happening south of the border, a grave error for which he could blame no one but his own and his nation’s ho-hum attitude toward the vibrant and historically important, fascinating culture and language of Latino neighbors.

 

But: we are happy to report that, to compensate for these sad and infamous deficiencies, in 2001 the Dr. moved to Mexico and lived with poor Mexicans in rather backward areas and circumstances for 15 years or more, off and on, constantly writing about his experiences in email correspondence and in his widely disseminated (via email) Chockawhoppin Post; until a local drug cartel became so dangerous in his small traditional village he thought it better to return to the USA. But those many years in Mexico became a part of the growing living legend (and education) that was and still is: mj lorenzo. Why did he pick Mexico and not Colombia for retirement? Because in 2001, when he began his retirement from practicing psychiatry, guerrillas were still kidnapping gringos in Colombia, and this was not happening in Mexico.

 

[14]  It took about another ten years for the paperwork to be processed, but Robbie did become a U.S. citizen finally in July 2004. Although he had entered the U.S. illegally in 1981, and had remained illegally for 13 years, he was finally able to obtain a legal ‘green card’ around 1993-94 as a result of President Reagan’s ‘amnesty’ and with Dr. Lorenzo’s help; who had preserved all of Robbie’s paychecks from his work at the Mexican restaurant, Mama Elena’s, in Denver, and a pile of other papers proving he had been in the states continuously and constructively since 1981. A picture of Robbie the day he became a citizen is at the bottom of the webpage, ‘note from B. C. Duvall – how to read this kind of writing’.

 

[15]  caserío = a hamlet; a small village; or a country house and its outbuildings – the word does not mean ‘houses on a river’, as the Dr. wrongly guessed, even though in the countryside around Santisima Cruz most of the villages and hamlets were just that.


welcoming face of Santisima Cruz boy click here to
          go home go ahead go back

outline                  detailed table of contents

first page of diary          image index   1   2

glossary                  bibliography


what's happening with  Dr. Lorenzo now  (Dec. 2016)

the impact of  Jung's 'opposites'  on mj lorenzo

on the grave matter of what the Dr. calls  'mass psychosis'

about Sammy Martinez'  'Introduction'  to the present work

note from B. C. Duvall:  how to read  this kind of writing




Back pages feature April 2017:

An aging dry-brain yet still self-analyzing shrink
Dr. Lorenzo

tells a live educated audience including would-be post-postmodern writers

why he risked chasing away readers

by recently adding to this website's home page

-- not 1 -- not 2 but --

3 hokey Bible verses