Tale 17

How Tommy Quit Fred

Bill loudened:

"'Man, for four nights in a row, I got hell every night for that tambourine jingling’!

And he said, 'I tried every-thing. I talked to guys,

"How do you keep a tambourine from jingling”?’

portion of a cartoon given Waring by American cartoonist Gregory d’Alessio[1]

Finally the dark corner calmed down enough to allow someone to almost think. Mj sucked an olive and found a few drops of gin and vermouth in it.

"Now I'll tell you a funny story," said Bill, "that Tommy told me on a record date.

“Poley came to the date so drunk, I said, 'Poley, you play tambourine’.

"Fred says, 'No! He'll screw up the whole thing’.

"I said, 'Well, we'll try’. So we put Poley out there and if they're goin', ‘Duh doong chich-uh doong chick-’, Poley's about that far behind 'Chick-uh' with the tambourine. Now I say, 'I can't insult Poley. What the hell am I gonna do’? And I'm tellin' the engineer, 'Let's go for another take’.

"He says, 'Man, it's the damn tambourine player, get rid of 'im’.

"I says, 'I can't get rid of 'im’!

"So I said, 'Poley, we got a problem'." Bill widened his lying eyes: "'It's leaking into the other mikes. We gotta baffle you’, heh, and – !" The world’s last Huron storyteller fought long and hard to show traditional Huron composure and respect toward all humanity, down to a man and woman, even this ridiculous, sauced best friend of the white man boss, but an honest laugh turned him dark red, fighting to explode out of him; until it won, and rocked his story like a chain explosion of dampered bursts every few syllables: "I PUT two BAF-. I sur-ROUND-ed this poor guy with baffles, and CLOSED his mic-rophone, and brought a tambourine into the booth with me!

"And –...," he collected himself after losing yet one more fight with a part of himself he had fought since the night began, his funny bone, "I was playin' tambourine under here with a microphone." He leaned forward, shaking a pretend tambourine between his knees and cocking his head to listen. "And I wasn't quite gettin' the sound I wanted, and I went out and I said to Tommy Cullen, 'Listen'," he whispered, "'can you play tambourine on this? You're not playin' sax, and you're contracted’.

"Tommy said," Bill hissed through Tommy’s teeth: "'I will never play the tambourine again. Don't ever mention the tambourine to me’!

"I said, 'Well, I'll go with what I've got’!

"So later I was bugged by this. Who the hell does he think he is? I need the help. I've explained to him Poley was so drunk he didn't know where the rhythm was! So Tommy sits down 'n he tells me the story."

Bill swirled his glass with all its air and three olives. Then he managed to keep a laugh from escaping, for once, and drained the last tangy drops. "He said, 'When I was first with Fred, we were supposed to do this bit like the Salvation Army’." Bill looked at mj: "Right?"

Mj nodded. He could roll with another Bill Blackburn story, if that was Bill’s question, since he was trained to listen as a psychiatrist; and he also knew the Salvation Army, if that was the question, as any Methodist preacher’s kid who had gone to Wrigley College for four years had to know. The First French Horn player in the Wrigley Band was the daughter of a Salvation Army captain and preacher. Dlune’s Swedish great-grandmother or somebody had been a Salvation Army captain in Sweden. They were all terrifyingly serious, hard-ass people, but they all loved music bands like crazy.

The glee club in the corner, quietly at first, and ever so slowly, began a harmonic

...We're-COM-ing-we're-COM-ing-our BRAVE-lit-tle-BAND!...

A lone tambourine jingled in the distance.

"And he said, 'We'd go off the stage.' And different people were doin' feature numbers, like Walter on 'Ol' Man River'. And Tommy went off," Bill chuckled as he spoke, "and he picks up the TAMbourEEN which they set offstage, one of these big ones." Bill did a panicked Tommy, face and all. "And he said, 'I was nervous as hell. I walk up there and I'm standin' way off'!"

A lone tamourine jingled again in the distance.

The seventeen men of the glee club stood starched and sober, looking thoroughly reformed, the way they were all dressed up neatly again in their blue blazers and grey flannel slacks:

...On-the-RIGHT side-of-TEM-p'rance...

...We NOW  take our STAND...

Bill softened even further. "And Tommy has a funny name for everybody. He called Fred," Bill mouthed it silently as if Fred might hear, "'Fuck Face’. So he's offstage. Now you've gotta hear, 'cause it isn't even crude when Tommy says it. He can say anything."

"It's almost endearing," Betty Ann offered, almost endearingly.

Mj cackled.

personal gift from American cartoonist Al Carreño to Mr. Waring

"So he says," Bill whispered as Tommy had whispered to him, "'I walk up like this with the tambourine, ready to run on stage'."

...we-DON'T-use-to-BAC-co, be-CAUSE-we-all-THINK...

"'It went "jingle-jingle" and’, he says, 'Ole Fuck Face out there –...'"

Betty Ann laughed through her teeth.

"'...looks offstage. He sees me. He gives me a hawk-eye!' '"Oh, Christ! I better not let this happen again'!"

Bill calmed enough to do a Tommy Cullen seriously perplexed: "So he says, 'Now, how are you gonna keep a tambourine from jingling? Now, you tell me how you gonna’? he said."

...that-the-PEO-ple-who-DO-so-are-LIKE-ly-to-DRINK,  jingle-jingle....

Bill loudened: "'Man, for four nights in a row, I got hell every night for that tambourine jingling’! And he said, 'I tried every-thing. I talked to guys, "How do you keep a tambourine from jingling”?’

"Right?" Bill asked again, as if willing to help mj wade through this fresh cow flop which was hip high, if he really needed help.

"And "Fre-hed," Bill laughed, "was goin' through this very soft religious thing. And then they're supposed to come running on doin' the Salvation Army thing."

"Oh!" said mj. "I see."

He saw Tommy marching in from the wings with a huge tambourine. He saw girls in loose spangle-y twenties garb hauling prohibition Bible verses on big overhead placards, like in a Broadway musical he’d seen.

The Church Militant hit the stage in unison, tambourine pounding:

...a-WAY, a-WAY, with-RUM, by-GUM!...

"So he said, 'We got off the bus one night, and I went up to Mr. Waring'." Bill did a guarded Tommy now: "'"Mr. Waring, I'm trying everything in the world to keep that tambourine from jingling"’."

...With-RUM-by-GUM...

Six silver-blue iridescent girl-angels pulled off a precision march drill, sober enough fortunately not to crash and knock each other out.

...With-RUM-by-GUM!...

"And Fred says:  'If  you  can't  keep  a  tambourine  from  jingling  damn  you  then  you're  not  a  musician!'"

...Jingle-jingle...

"And Tommy says, 'I told him', “Well,  if  I'm  not  a  musician,  then  I  shouldn't  BE  with  this  goddam  orchestra"’!” The tone, though younger, mocked Fred's by mimicking it. “And he says, 'I went home’. And thatsaway he quit Fred. And he went home."

...The-SONG-of-the-SAL-va-tion-AaaAAAHR-MeeeEEEEE!!

The last line of the chorus was a tutti unison, fortissimo. Christ's army of righteous soldiers looked grimly at the audience for a second, then right- and left-faced to the wings.

"And they didn't talk until the summer. And he said somebody came over to see him. They said, ‘Listen, Fred is really hurt you did this to him’. So he said, 'I went out of my way to bump into Fred'." Bill sat back in his storytelling chair. "He said, 'Fred accepted my apology for the way I talked to him’. And he said," Bill chuckled: "'That's how I wound up back with Fred'."

Bill lifted the empty glass, tilting it.

And mj, without thinking, of course, as so often during this night, got himself in deeper when he said, "He had to apologize to Fred, of course."

Bill nodded. He wasn’t surprised mj was helping him. He would have expected it by now from his old buddy, mj, and he planned on rewarding him with a sugar cube for the cooperation.

He said, "But that tambourine jingling, now, he said, 'The amazing thing’ –, and this is where everybody gives the man credit, mj, even famous orchestra conductors like Toscanini and Ormandy. Y'know what Tommy said?" Bill whispered it dramatically: "'It was just the teeniest little jingle you ever heard in your life’! And he said, 'Fred's out there with the whole chorus going and he hears it’!"

Bill paused for effect and it worked. Mj was stunned. He was as mesmerized as Hercules’ Cretan bull, having been dragged through fresh cow flop then given a candy reward suddenly, one more time, another tiny little item acknowledging Fred Waring as a stellar musical artist.

The glee club circled the stage, swelling in volume.

...We-NE-ver-eat-FRUIT-cake-be-CAUSE-it-has-RUUuuUUUuummmm.

They slowed and with impeccable enunciation – English Glee at its peak – sang a cappella, and rubato:

…And-ONE... lit-tle-SLICE, Puts a MAN.…… on-the-buMMMMMM.

...Jingle-tingle...

A grim marching rhythm resumed, tutti, played by full, boomy, rattly percussion, tambourine most noticeable of all:

...A-WAY, a-WAY with-RUM, by-GUM!  (DOONG, CHICK-uh!)

The Song  of  the  Sal- va- tion  AAAAhhr- mee!!!  (DOONG!)

And they tromped off mightily through the wings.