Tale
6
The Bull in the China Shop
Hercules in his Nemean
lionskin cape and lion's-head hood
(face
looking through gaping mouth,
lion forelegs tied around neck)
wrestles the Cretan Bull into submission[1]
"Now
Fred," Bill
said unusually softly,
"is
the most com-pet-itive
man you could run in-to.
He
makes up his own card rules to make sure he wins.
So
they used to make these ridiculous bets.
Money
didn't
mean anything
to Fred back
then.
He
underwrote the whole Canteen for Servicemen, in
and
that was only one thing he did.
So
Paul Douglas says, 'Well the loser should
have to do this',
or
Fred said whatcha had to do.
Well
one time they bet,
and
the loser had to take a bull through a china shop
in
And
Fred lost.”
Betty Ann smiled and mj did
too. Fred’s legendary sense of humor might get the book
off to a roaring start. The interviewer might be a genius.
Bill began: “Paul Douglas
became a big movie star not too many years ago. He was in
Executive Suite:
BIG movie star.
He was Fred's radio
announcer for the
He sat forward and lowered
his voice as if he, too, thought Fred might be listening
nearby. The man lived a mile down the road, after all, and
could turn up in a second and sneak in the back. He did
that sometimes, in order to see Betty Ann and avoid Bill.
"Now Fred," he
said unusually softly, "is the most com-pet-itive
man you could run in-to.
He makes up his own card rules to make sure he wins. So
they used to make these ridiculous bets. Money didn't mean
anything to Fred
back then. He underwrote the whole Canteen for Servicemen,
in
"So Paul Douglas says, 'Well
the loser should
have to do this', or Fred said
whatcha had to do. Well one time they bet, and the loser had
to take a bull through a china shop in
"And they got this guy to go in and
tell Fred to bring a bull into the china shop, and
the Movie Tone News
and everybody
was there, and the owner says, 'Well wha- –'!?"
"Fred says, 'W'l don't worry about it!
If he breaks anything we'll pay for it’.
"And the owner figured, 'Well it's good
publicity, Fred Waring and all this. I'll let them do it’, and they
went through and the only piece of china that was broken was
worth about a dollar ninety.
And that was Fred
because he was so goddamn
frightened of the –." Bill bit back a laugh.
Mj did too.
"He backed into the shop." Bill
played the part of an awed, almost effeminate Fred Waring,
telling the story: "'That bull was like a ballet dancer and
that thing was so careful not to touch ANYthing'!”
Mj was electrified by a Fred
dancing with a bull and telling about it.
He couldn’t move.
"And they got to the back of
the store and Fred couldn't figure out how to get out, now the
bull's facin'
'im, right? So
they – hah-aaAH –!"
Bill went into silent laughter
mode, shaking and wiping his eyes with fingers.
Mj gagged and choked, ready to
laugh but too shocked. It felt like the man was in the room
listening. Fred wasn’t just a guy down the road, he was a
U.S. American saint or noble lord to many, even to crazy,
mixed-up, bemused and deluded mj lorenzo.
"They had these bull handlers
come in that had to turn the bull around without breaking
anything."
Bill Blackburn’s very special
guest slid toward the rag rug to keep from laughing.
To laugh at godly Fred was no
laughing matter, as Dr. Lorenzo clarified later. It was like
laughing at St. Peter. Practically everyone in the country
like his parents revered Fred to highest heaven. This utter
awe and reverence had rubbed off on little mj and stuck to
him like super glue, even now, even having learned that Fred
was the jackass of clay who had put Tricky Dicky Nixon in
the White House. Mj as a child had practically worshiped the
Fred Waring he saw on TV. He was one of the young mj
lorenzo’s – the artist aborning’s – earliest teachers of
high art, an artist who helped the writer, mj lorenzo,
discover art. His Sunday night TV extravaganzas had proven
there was a way to express reverence for Higher Power,
country, and physical natural life in all its sensuous
detail, all at
once: through art. Waring also
put presidents in the White House. A lifetime of programming
had made young mj careful how much and exactly how he
laughed at Fred Waring, especially if the man might be
listening, as even Bill with lowered voice seemed to think
possible.
"And Fred was saying to them,"
Bill sounded firm, then frightened: "'F'r God sakes just get 'im out of here I
don't care what
ya break I'll pay for it, GET 'im away from
me!' Because he went all the way through. Now this shows his
sense of humor."
Betty Ann seconded that
conclusion with a firm nod.
"Whew!" Mj slid back up into
his seat and took a breath, careful not to turn and look
behind him.
Mushily again, Betty Ann
addressed the fur ball at her feet: "I think that's an aDORable story,
don't you, Docka?" She beamed at mj and he felt wonderful.
"I'll tell you another one!"
Bill said.
Yes! The
too-unbelievable-to-believe ‘Bull in the China Shop’ was a
perfect lead-in to the equally unbelievable but true Big
Fairytale Story; so there was room for another short,
unrelated tale first.
[1] Image from Alice Low, Macmillan Book of Greek Gods and Heroes, illustrations by Arvis Stewart (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1985), p. 101.
[2] The WW II
‘Canteen for Servicemen’ was the pet project of Fred’s
brother, Tom Waring. It was only one of scores of Fred’s
lavish philanthropic endeavors over a lifetime. “In 1942,”
says Virginia Waring in her biography of her husband,
“Fred rented the entire unused and dusty eleventh floor
[at 1697 Broadway in